I can’t believe how sober I am right now. However, I believe you should honor your pain, really feel it; the alternative is to bottle it up until it erupts and decimates your life. As husband would say: when you worry you suffer twice. I say, hurt now and hurt less later. Same philosophy really. Kind of.

I very probably will never get pregnant. Allow that a moment to settle in. I might adopt, I might foster, I might have a surrogate. I might be a mom. But not the way I dreamed about for years. And it hurts so deeply. I keep expecting to cough really hard and spit out at least a sliver of my heart.

Fur babies comfort me a bit. My family has been wonderful.

But ouch, loyal reader.

First of all, happy Christmas to my loved ones. You weirdos are fantastic. Here’s a pic of everyone’s favorite pup, Cormac the dog. You’re welcome.

Second of all, my stress levels (based in reality) are very high. My anxiety levels (based in bullshit) are at a remarkable low. Funny how the brain adapts to changing circumstances, isn’t it? Hilarious.

I had a stark reminder of how seriously the school takes grades when a fellow social work student got a low enough grade to “fail” the class….that’s a C or below I think. They are going to be walking in a different graduation than I hope to… namely NOT spring 2019. It’s a crappy situation. They do, however, basically have a job waiting for them, which I imagine is fairly comforting.

((It’s not all doom and gloom, husband would say))

I got pretty good grades this semester, which usually means I feel good about my performance. I’m still a bit reluctant to celebrate, since I’m waiting on a grade from a class that went poorly. I got 81% and change, but the teacher was not friendly and could easily grade me harsh…but no use worrying over spilt milk.

There’s no use worrying in general, however many reasons I can come up with.

The synthroid, however reluctant I am to take another pill, is working brilliantly, and the lithium taper seems to be asymptomatic as one could hope. All in all, my mental health is typical, which is not typical for me, and takes getting used to. All these feelings, relaxation mostly, are strange and new to me. I’m used to being keyed up constantly but I’m not right now. So weird.

I’m still stressed, although it is manageable. I worry where I will be after April. I worry about finding a good job. My therapist likens this to worrying about snow. She says shoveling sucks, but it’s better than doing nothing. So I’m shoveling my snow.

Hoping your holidays are going well, loyal reader.

I’m sicker than usual, but getting better. My doctor recommended a blood draw to check on my kidneys, liver and thyroid. While that sounds like a British pie recipe, it’s also the three big things involved in lithium therapy/ what can go worst the fastest.

Turns out I need synthroid; I’ve got hypothyroidism .

Sometimes my brain and worry are like a dog and a ball, one endlessly entertaining the other until it’s torn to shreds.

Pardon me, it takes massive effort to write. Every sentence is a chore. The world is ending anyway, according to my belly and head. Cormac is keeping me company as I write, Husband is home (finally) for the week, even Moro is being sweet. Dante remains unaffiliated.

Sometimes I wonder what people do in their free time when they’re not blaming themselves for the apocalypse. Less often, I wonder what sort of uncanny terror I would be with two hands, a perfect body and a perfect brain.

Probably better off with the devil I know. Anxiety, darling, even old friends wear out their welcome eventually. You can visit, but take the hint. Scram.

I am having difficulty with my brain. And my commitment to blog, apparently.

Just dropping a line so you know I’m still kicking.

Everything will be ok.

Watched Sweeney Todd live at Pioneer Theater tonight.

Have an unspeakable amount of homework tomorrow and Wednesday.

Doing terrible at blogging. Probably not a good excuse, but the world is mad.

Stressed out of my gourd because my brain is a bully and I’m not doing my part to control her. Every little thing needles my mind, every social interaction is scrutinized.

I just want calm.

Is that too much to ask for, loyal reader?

Things have been rather fuzzy these days. Social interaction is hard. I feel awkward and annoying . School is intimidating me. Blogging is hard too. I’m eating too much. It feels like depression is happening. It is 830 in the evening and I am going to bed because I need to. Goodnight my loyal reader.

Monday: practicum 8-4:30, work 5-10

Tuesday: practicum 8-4:30, homework 5-9

Wednesday: practicum 8-12, yoga 2:30-4, homework 5-9

Thursday: classes 9:10-7

Friday: class 8:30-11:30, therapy 2-3, work 5-12

Saturday: hair (bleach roots) 11:30, dye hair 1-4, work 5-12

Sunday: work 10:30-?, laundry, chores, lose sanity

Next week: repeat as necessary

Blog, clean house, shower, eat, budget, and maintain social ties if possible in alleged “free time”…loyal reader, appreciate that I blogged at all.

Such a long pause. Sometimes that’s a necessity, sometimes it’s a side effect of life at the moment. Sometimes I just have a lot on my plate, and I forget myself/self care.

So summer happened. Let’s just leave it at that. Let’s focus on the now. Or at the very least, the now-ish.

See this lovely fountain, pictured above? We had that exact fountain in Oakland, sans the fancy glaze. It found its way into the free pile outside our door, by the mailboxes, and I picked it up (with great effort) and brought it inside. the dogs drank from it, so I had to keep it filled constantly, but it made a pleasant bubbly sound, and it kept the element of water in the household, which is important when one is a stubborn earth sign.

I found the fountain above in a store called Cactus and Tropicals, in Draper, UT. I was there for a wedding in which I was a bridesmaid, and found it very auspicious. I don’t talk about it very often, but my witchy side flares up in autumn. Summer (of which we have chosen not to speak) brings out my mania; autumn I feel absolutely pagan.  I’ve even gotten a new Herkimer Diamond, the most powerful of quartz crystals. Because god damn, I need all the help I can get.

The wedding was very pretty, and the bride was absolutely gorgeous. I spent most of the reception with people asking me if I was feeling ok, because social anxiety is a little bitch. However, I did get pictures taken prior to the ceremony with the rest of the wedding party, and I think they turned out well, so I gave my friend (the bride) that much at least. I feel bad for not having more fun, but them’s the breaks.

I’m going to catch up with blogging over the next week or so, so you’ll hear all about Practicum, School, Husband and Home, and Job. I can’t do it all at once. Give me a break, loyal reader. It’s been a long S-word…I mean summer.

 

Good things:

1) I worked today and I need the money.

2) former roommate aligned my tires so that I don’t list lazily to the left.

3) saw mom.

4) got my house cleaned.

5) got my hair appointment for August set up.

Hard Things:

1) work today

2) not smoking

3) husband is out of town, still.

Just things:

1) watching finding dory as I go to sleep