This is my first week of unemployment in around 1.5 years, and I’m keeping pretty busy anyway. Today I interviewed for a front of house position at a local theater of note, got a background check and fingerprints for my school gig, and spent the afternoon with the Husband watching sci if movies and doing laundry. 

The interview went overwhelmingly well, so good that the people interviewing me asked me to apply for a higher paying position with roughly the same hours. YAY! I was flattered and happy, but they haven’t hired me YET, so I’m just going to enjoy the idea that good interviews exist. Oh, and my hair looked amazing. And I wore makeup. Be shocked. 

The background check was done at the department of public safety in the far west side of the city, and the people there at the front door were so damn polite I was sure something had gone wrong. Like aliens landed and took over the building, and they were just trying to get my ass out of there before I got wise to their alien tricks. 

Tomorrow, however, I will be less enthused with the day. We’re going in to the social security office to discuss the overpayment that resulted in losing my benefits and insurance. I will try damn hard to be a polite and civil lady, but I am so nervous/upset about this that I don’t know how well I will do. I’ve had a lot of negative interactions with the SSA lately, and they don’t give any of the fucks. They literally herd and cull people like cattle. I’m not impressed with our government right now. We’re bringing a lawyer, but I’m still scared. 
Wish us luck, loyal reader. 

3 days left at the Office. Lots planned for August too. Expect a big blog this weekend. 

I’m going to be poor for a while. 

This is my game face.

On Friday, I gave notice at work which means that I have two weeks left working at the home healthcare company before I devote myself full-time to my masters program. Holy shit. 

I will not freak out. I will not freak out. I will not freak out. 

A few things:

1. I submitted my portfolio for an art show at a local cafe. 

2. Apparently this year will be busier than I had anticipated…more on that later.

3. Husband is going to the SSA office tomorrow to see where we stand. All the good intentions you can muster would be appreciated. 

4. Four days left of yoga, then on to belly dancing twice a week (possible yoga/cardio on my non-belly days)

5. I should be sleeping but my brain is too full of future events.

6. Two out of three bosses will be out of town starting Wednesday. Party on, loyal reader.

7. I’m honestly terrified of how busy I will be in 5 weeks.

8. I got rid of my acrylics, ain’t got the money to keep them maintained. 

9. Turns out I don’t have measles antibodies, so I’m getting that fixed in a bit.

10. Seriously. Terrified. 
Good night/good morning, loyal reader. 

I got an A in sociology!!!! And I have just over one week to go in the yoga challenge! I am feeling pretty good about myself right now. I really should be sleeping but I want to make sure that I remember exactly how I felt when I got a good grade in sociology. I have been extremely extremely busy for the last month doing homework due every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. On top of that I have been doing editing for professionals in the accounting field, and on top of that I have been doing my yoga every night whether or not I have the free time to do it. I guess this is a small preview of exactly how crazy my life will be when I am doing my masters program. It is totally non-stop and you have to stay on the ball or else you will get rolled on.

I just want to say that my family has been incredibly supportive and I really appreciate them taking the time to cheer me on and let me know that I’m doing good stuff when I am. I honestly could not do it without them and I am super grateful that they exist and love me as much as they do.

Sweet dreams, loyal reader.

Today I am 2/3 of the way through my 30 day yoga challenge. I’ve lost about 3 pounds and I feel better most of the time.

Next month I am going to do a different workout challenge and keep going at changing what I am doing month by month until I find something that works for me. 

I have to keep reminding myself that I’m new at this, and change takes time. I’m green, young, inexperienced at being physically active and fit. I will not change overnight. I can do this…

On the 15th, I will be halfway through the 30 day yoga challenge. I missed one day due to homework, I hope to make it up this weekend if not next. So far I haven’t lost significant weight, however I feel pretty good about myself for doing this. And now for your viewing pleasure, a picture of my dogs or possibly one dog and his shadow. 

Tomorrow to do list:

1. Homework chapters 4 and 5- read module for each, read book chapters, do in book study questions, complete online quiz. 

2. Charge battery charger, charge iPad.

3. Adjust travel meds. to reflect current dosage.

4. Drop off car to former roomie for brakes and belts.

5. Visit doctor if waiting list luck happens, 

5. Laundry for the trip.

6. Pack for the trip.

7. Shower

8. Puppy date with C! 

9. Remember that one time I said something stupid and everyone noticed and god damn that was dumb. 

10. Cope with my brain like a strong independent woman, dammit all. 
Wish me luck, loyal reader. 

Well, as per usual, summertime has kicked in and kicked my ass. I feel so anxious and stressed out that I can barely make things work. And they really need to work, especially this semester. I am forcing myself to write this blog even though I really don’t feel like writing down exactly what is going on in my head since it’s so goddamn negative. However the entire point of this blog is that people are able to map my progression, myself included, so it really is important to chart the bad days as well as the good. 

Today was a bad day. Work seem like an awful chore, coming home and spending time with the dogs wasn’t relaxing, and I had to stop myself from starting a fight with the husband. However, it was this particularly bad day that made me I realize that I have to raise my medications and probably go see the doctor as soon as possible. These are the sorts of days that you think will be memorable but you end up forgetting them as soon as they’re over. What you don’t forget is the choices that you made in this circumstance and the things that you did to make your situation better.
Summer used to be my favorite time of year, now it is more a time of constant vigilance in order to make sure that my brain stays under control. Even though it happens every year, each year feels different and so immediate that I can’t always get a grip on what’s happening until I’ve gone a few weeks under my own radar. The husband tells me that we have the same fights and conversations every year but it’s still important to me to go through them. In a lot of ways I feel that my bipolar ages me in reverse, slowly. When it flares up, I forget simple things like manners and consequences, I forget how to be a competent grown-up. I really feel a lot of guilt and shame about how I am when my bipolar is not under control. I tried my own way to maintain control but that’s not really the way of things… You have to let go of certain things and keep a hold of others to maintain your sanity in this world. Not everything can be sensible and understandable, you have to make peace with that fact in your life over and over again. I really wish my sister had lived long enough to learn this, even as I am still learning it. It makes life tolerable when all else fails, the knowledge that you’re not really in control of everything, everything is not your fault, and you are solely responsible for taking care of yourself.

With that in mind, I am going to bed a little earlier than usual because I need sleep very badly.

Sweet dreams, loyal reader.

Ok, so I suck at blogging. Cope with it. The silly part is, I’ve had relatively oodles of time to do writing, since The Store where husband works is scheduling him for closing shifts three nights in a row this week, which means the only time I see him is when I get up in the morning and he’s dead asleep. Still, there’s no excuse for not doing the blogging that I promised myself I would do, especially since I’m going to get really busy, really fast. Class starts today, I was going to get the text book I needed online, but our first in book assignment is due Wednesday, so I had to go to the U campus book store, and pay and extra $30 to buy it today. 

RANT: The amount of money that I spend on textbooks is absolutely ridiculous. The book that I bought was a used book and it was $90. Next semester I’m going to have four classes so that’s at least $400 if not more. Sure, they have the ability to buy back books at a discounted rate but why the fuck would I give up the books that I got for my masters before I was finished with the program, if then? It’s a god damn racket that book are near $100 a pop (my $90 book would have been $120 used) when we’re already paying a boatload of money to take the class anyway. 

In any case they’re online classes, so I don’t have to socialize with any other students. 

More will be said tomorrow, if I have time. Sorry, loyal reader, just not feeling the writing thing right now. Wish me morphemes and enough of my god damn melancholy.