I know, I know, loyal reader. When I’m doing good, I forget to write. When I’m doing poorly, I can’t handle writing, sometimes. Lets try to catch up a bit, shall we?

Bought a car! I traded in my 2012 Subaru Forester for a 2019 Hyundai Ioniq hybrid. This is not only the newest car I’ve ever owned, it’s also the first time I’ve even handled the ins and outs of shipping a car to Utah, setting up a loan, setting up a trade in, and arranging it all to buy the car over a 5-hour stress marathon last Saturday. I’ve driven the car to and from work in Tooele four times in the past week, and I still have a half-talk of gas…which is at least double the mpg I was getting with the dearly departed Subaru. With all I drive, and considering the amazing mpg, I’m essentially going to make my car payment every month in saved gas money. It’s an amazing feeling to have accomplished this all with minimal (but notable) help/hand-holding. This must be what grown ups feel ALL THE TIME, such ACCOMPLISHMENT.

Of course, the Sunday following my car purchase adventure, I was riddled with anxiety, because I had made such a big life choice on my own. It’s funny how my brain will just latch onto big events and attach meaning that really doesn’t align with the facts. You just put yourself in debt for a car that might not even be PERFECT, Ms. Jady. You dumb idiot. You clearly cannot handle this thing you have just done, and mush suffer henceforth. Etc, ad nauseam, blah blah blah.

My anxious brain is a little punk sometimes, loyal reader.

Following the weekend of the car adventure, we have the holiday last Monday, which I took and ended up cleaning the apartment for a few serene hours. It’s interesting to me how people can have very different perceptions of ‘self-care’ (way overused jargon); what seems a delightful mental detox to me, like cleaning my sweet apartment, sounds stressful and unhappy to someone else. On the other hand, I have a friend or two who swear by nice long baths, and that’s just not my jam. There’s something for everyone.

In the same way I’ve quested for a group exercise I can tolerate more than once in a great while; I’ve attempted a few things to see if self-care might happen with me:

1. Meditation is not my favorite, but mostly I get impatient and let my brain flood me with worry that I’m wasting my time, and obviously peace will forever elude me.
2. Massage works pretty well (as long as I don’t have to maintain a conversation with the masseur)
3. a Glass of wine, although often touted as the lighthouse to relaxation and stress relief for middle aged, ‘sassy’ ladies (‘it’s wine o clock’, ‘stop whining and start wining’ ‘a day without wine is like…j/k I have no idea’) but somehow it just makes me feel vaguely useless and drowsy.
4. Obsessive attention spent on pets? Yup. that’s good medicine.
5. Exercise is often not worth the prep work and nearly-every-time injuries, but I am aware that it’d be good for me. I. Am. Aware.

In any way I attempt self-care, I worry that I’ve been educated to the point where I analyze my self care, dig into it, and tear it apart. It’s kind of like EMDR therapy, for me, once I did the training to do it as a clinician for clients, I’ve become a terrible EMDR client myself, since I know what the end result is supposed to be, and I people-please, even in therapy. THAT, we could unpack all day. See?

(On that note, if you lie to your therapist, or your doctor, it’s entirely possible they won’t have the knowledge to give you proper care. I’ve definitely lied to my therapist AND doctor, and believe me, I know)

Ok, lets see, what else…I submitted an application to the SLC Library for their arts festival, for my old short story-in-progress, Kept. It’s a creepy story and needs some solid editing, but I’m almost nearly kinda somewhat comfortable sharing it if they chose me to do a reading. Maybe.

I’ve been attempting an artistic project at least once a weekend, sometimes even weeknights. I’ve been getting into dreamcatchers (very popular craft at my workplace), and for a second attempt, I’m pretty happy with my work.

Speaking of work…I participated in my first sweat ceremony, and I got so much support from the clients! It’s a very intense thing to do, based in prayer…and you know, loyal reader, faith is not my strong suit. I was honored to be invited and included, and I did my best to enter into the event with an open and peaceful mind (also not my best skill). The steam was fine, the heat was pretty epic, but sitting on the hard ground is increasingly difficult as time goes by. I had to readjust over and over, since my tailbone is still bruised by a skating injury. Eventually, childs pose was the most comfortable way to situate myself. I was able to stay in the inipi for 3 of the 4 rounds, and I was celebrated with kind words when I got out.

I’ve done hot yoga before, with similar difficulty adjusting to the heat and uncomfortable positions. It’s actually GREAT that I’m so uncomfortable, because eventually the discomfort is too much to spend your mental energy on anything but how you feel in your body. Somehow meditation/introspection gets easier when you’re not feeling comfy. this probably means that my ‘Life begins at the end of your comfort zone’ canvas print for my office is accurate. It was a positive experience, but difficult. I’m definitely doing it again.

(Note: if you hang a canvas print, stating ‘Life begins at the end of your comfort zone’, hang it JUST a touch crooked, and see how much it bothers visitors…put it just a touch too high to adjust comfortably…it’s a great conversation starter. Also, I’ve evil.)

There’s other things I could discuss…in fact, I could just keep writing…and I’d like to spend this energy on actual, written stories that I’ve neglected for far too long. Keep on keeping on, dear loyal reader. Hopefully I’ll be around.