Happy Sunday, loyal reader! I’ve got the spoons to write, if you can believe it. Hooray!!!

Sometimes I go back a year or two in my blog to see where I was at a particular time. There were some months where I blogged daily, which sounds like a hefty job for anyone, but remember I wasn’t working, at least not full time. Today, however, I went back in time a bit farther….all the way back to 2012, my first year blogging out of college. I was living in Oakland with the shitbag ex, spending my nights drinking and doing god knows what. I got a few amazing friends out of the deal, but admittedly I was in a bad place. I was young, and in love, and exactly how stupid you would imagine. For heaven’s sake, I was 27, and out of my mind. Ah, the roaring 20s.

There is wisdom, however, sprinkled in between fawning over the husband and feeling extremely anxious ALL. THE. TIME. These are the words of the late great 29-year-old Jady:

“Now I have a few hours at home alone, and I think I’m going to watch a movie and work on crafts. I am trying hard not to be particularly judgmental of myself, and although I have great ability to criticize myself for the way I feel, I have no interest in it. I used to feed the negative side of myself because I was depressed and angry and grieving. Now, I want to feed the side of myself that inspires great work, that encourages my creative and loving mind. My better side. When I’m alone, it takes work to make sure I stay positive, but its worth it.”

So now, this is what I started the blog to do, give myself guidance, and I’m literally talking to my future self. I guess I could have waited for the 10 year mark of my online writing experiment, but have you ever thought I was a particularly patient person? Me neither.

I might skip September 23, which is the Ex’s birthday as well as our ‘real’ anniversary, the first time we had an actual date. I tend to use my writing to express my great love for people in my life, but honestly, I don’t want to read about how I used to feel for him. Old, old news. I will, however, enjoy watching myself pull myself out of the fire and into a real life, eventually. The story is pretty interesting, if I do say so.

Now, just so I don’t offend anyone, I want to point out that the poison in my life had nothing to do with Oakland and had everything to do with my ex, whom I allowed to shape me into a person I really wasn’t happy being. Keep in mind that my bipolar had been diagnosed, like, 2 years prior. My mechanisms of handling a manic or depressive episode (and don’t forget that tricky little guy, Hypomania) were not the greatest, but then again they were in their infancy. I was not as skilled as I am now. Not saying I never get blindsided by bipolar, but my reactions are healthier, most of the time. I know my brain a lot better than I did 9 years ago.

Yet, reading what I wrote then has a certain flavor of sweet nostalgia. I think I’ve gotten better as a writer and a human, but still, my passion existed back then, it was just focused on the wrong things. I really wish I could have changed my mind about The Way Life Should Be, or at least understood that nothing will ever be what you expect. Sometimes it’s totally different than the life you’d hoped for, and still ain’t bad. I also wish I’d fostered my relationships with the strong women in my life, more than mooning over a mistake relationship. It’s really difficult to accept that.

But if 2020 taught me anything, it’s that the relationships that last (and nurture you) are repairable and get even better with age. I have been extremely lucky to keep my friendships alive, but it wasn’t an accident. I wanted to make sure I had and was able to give support to the ones I love. Hell, one of my best friends moved to Savannah, and we still talk almost daily, even if just a text or two. I may be a bit too attached to my phone, but it’s somewhat of a lifeline.

I just wish I had talked more about the relationships that saved my life. Of course, I suppose those who saved me know who they are, and most of us still talk today. I feel a really big stone in my belly thinking about how long it’s been since I visited Oakland, and I love Utah, but I deeply miss my Oakland friends. I almost took an extra day or two in California when I went camping over the summer, to drive down and visit, but I had Oscar and I wouldn’t make myself anyone’s houseguest with 5 hours notice, with a dog. So I drove home. I really should have gone. I saw fellow campers from Oakland, and it was amazing, but there were a few notably absent friends.

In any case, I think I’ll put down the computer, pick up the phone, and connect with a friend. Do the same, Loyal Reader.