Memoirs of a Manic Pixie Dream Girl

I’ve never been very good at winter. Today is a difficult day for me. I didn’t get everything I wanted to get done at work before the holidays, and forgot a few things, and now Monday seems daunting. I’m spending time and energy attempting to relax. I’m feeling miserable because I want to work and yet have no motivation. I’m stressing about the cycle of avoid, cringe, and feel terrible for avoiding, avoid, etc.

Oscar is being a good boy since his cone came off, following a very uneventful neuter. He was supposed to keep the cone on for 10-14 days which he did like a champion. He was also supposed to not run or jump for those same 10-14 days, which absolutely did not happen. He was playing and rolling around the bed the morning after surgery, and didn’t stop. I worried for a bit, but he didn’t trying to lick himself and he couldn’t get the cone off, so his stitches were pretty safe. R took off some work to be home with Oscar, which was a very sweet thing to do. I feel as if taking off days from work is actually more stressful than not, but R was in serious need of a break, so I’m glad he had the chance to take one and enjoy time at my place with the pets.

Am I avoiding again? Frankly, I didn’t get much work done over the holidays, for a variety of reasons, and I am scared of going back to work tomorrow. My mental health is not in top condition, and the symptoms of apathy and lack of focus made it really hard to work while most of my department was on winter break. I’m embarrassed and nervous and ashamed. I dug a hole and now I have to climb my way out, and I feel lonely even with my dear loved ones cheering me on. Or rather, they would cheer me on if I’d mentioned it to more than barely anyone. I’m holding in all my stress and worry and it’s consuming my brain.

Of course, life keeps plodding on, and tomorrow is another day. A frightening, nerve-wracking day.

Do me a favor and seek out someone struggling, this week, and tell them how important they are to you. Let them know that failure doesn’t exist forever and they will feel better someday. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow. Someday it’ll feel less like the ceiling is falling in on the world and more like hope is a possibility. Even if that time is a long way off, there’s love and support available, and it’s ok to ask.

I can handle this, but I appreciate love and support. It’s there somewhere. Asking is the first step.