It’s not always easy to take care of oneself.

I woke up this morning after pressing snooze for about an hour, catching 9 minute snippets of restless half-sleep. I was a mess. I slithered out of bed in a snotty, sobbing bundle of emotions, and called my mom. She’s gotten calls like this before, and damn it if she wasn’t the most supportive and sweet thing ever. I told her how I was feeling, and that I was taking a day to sort myself out. No arguments. She told me to call any time, which is particularly amazing considering how busy she must be. I called and then emailed HR, my manager, and my coworkers to ask for coverage today. They all responded kindly and helpfully. I really value this job.

What exactly does one do during a mental health day, you wonder. Certainly I won’t be spending ALL the day writhing in bed in misery, how would that help? My sister suggested I actually sit in my feelings for a time, instead of pushing them off. Yet I have to fight the feelings of self indulgence and the bullshit notion that you really should go to work unless you physically can’t. I grew up thinking that if I didn’t perform well, constantly, that I was somehow lagging and more specifically, crippled.

Funny how these things find their way into young brains and just settle in for life. Why does it feel bad to take a little bitty day to make sure I can keep going? I would never begrudge such a decision for anyone else, but somehow it feels wrong because I inherently value my health as less important than anyone else. I know, deep down, that I need a break. But taking a break is hard.

I did spend some time cleaning, and checking in with work to make sure everything was handled. I cuddled with Oscar and let him lick my tears (he really enjoys salt water, apparently it’s delicious). I made myself tea and got into comfy clothes. I had a brief existential crisis and cursed my brain chemicals and covid and stress and life in general. I got up from the couch and blogged, because remembering this is important. I drank some tea, even though by now it’s lukewarm. It’s only 11am. Drat.

I know that there’s no point in taking a mental health day, at least in my mind, without doing something to reason out my emotions. Some things, like taking my medicine, is pretty easy. (well, it’s easy in theory, surely loyal readers of mine know that taking meds long term is a bumpy road in and of itself…which is essentially the point of this blog. Being bipolar and keeping healthy is a long and winding journey with lots of pit stops, readjustments, balancing acts, and…well, if you’ve met me, you know it’s not always a great adventure. sometimes it sucks. There’s just no other option.)Some things, including a hard reset of my brain, is much more tricky. Finding compassion for myself is the hardest bit of all.

But Jady, you’re a social worker and a therapist. Surely you won’t be effective in your career if you didn’t know a thing or two to make things better. Why not give yourself a bit of that masters-fed good advice?

Good point, loyal reader. I could delve into the mechanics of my brain and explain that my advice doesn’t really absorb in my own head. I might compare it to giving oneself an massage, which it turns out isn’t relaxing or effective at all. I could ask for help.

That’s the thing. I did ask for help. My sister, my mom, my friends, they all stepped up and supported me as well as they can from a distance. That makes a very big difference to me. Even my boss told me she cared and hoped I felt better. Even as a resolute atheist, I know that there are things bigger than a single person. It takes the help of a community–one to which I have offered love and help when they needed it–to inspire hope. I don’t feel alone. I feel loved. I earned that, although I’m lucky as well.

So my goal today is to feel, and recuperate, and yes, take meds. Any one thing may not work on its own, so I’m fighting for myself with the entire arsenal. For those of you who have offered help, I will take it, and whatever you have to give is enough. I will survive today.

It will truly be ok.