Well, as per usual, summertime has kicked in and kicked my ass. I feel so anxious and stressed out that I can barely make things work. And they really need to work, especially this semester. I am forcing myself to write this blog even though I really don’t feel like writing down exactly what is going on in my head since it’s so goddamn negative. However the entire point of this blog is that people are able to map my progression, myself included, so it really is important to chart the bad days as well as the good. 

Today was a bad day. Work seem like an awful chore, coming home and spending time with the dogs wasn’t relaxing, and I had to stop myself from starting a fight with the husband. However, it was this particularly bad day that made me I realize that I have to raise my medications and probably go see the doctor as soon as possible. These are the sorts of days that you think will be memorable but you end up forgetting them as soon as they’re over. What you don’t forget is the choices that you made in this circumstance and the things that you did to make your situation better.
Summer used to be my favorite time of year, now it is more a time of constant vigilance in order to make sure that my brain stays under control. Even though it happens every year, each year feels different and so immediate that I can’t always get a grip on what’s happening until I’ve gone a few weeks under my own radar. The husband tells me that we have the same fights and conversations every year but it’s still important to me to go through them. In a lot of ways I feel that my bipolar ages me in reverse, slowly. When it flares up, I forget simple things like manners and consequences, I forget how to be a competent grown-up. I really feel a lot of guilt and shame about how I am when my bipolar is not under control. I tried my own way to maintain control but that’s not really the way of things… You have to let go of certain things and keep a hold of others to maintain your sanity in this world. Not everything can be sensible and understandable, you have to make peace with that fact in your life over and over again. I really wish my sister had lived long enough to learn this, even as I am still learning it. It makes life tolerable when all else fails, the knowledge that you’re not really in control of everything, everything is not your fault, and you are solely responsible for taking care of yourself.

With that in mind, I am going to bed a little earlier than usual because I need sleep very badly.

Sweet dreams, loyal reader.