depression

So Much

~ jadybyproxy ~ 1 Comment

I have such big, big emotions. I’m also assessed as bipolar I, which means full manic episodes. I personally would diagnose myself as schizoaffective, since I have a whole ton of psychosis, and a few other things that are pretty trademark…but you really shouldn’t diagnose yourself. Even though I’m right. It’s fine. Sigh.

However and nevertheless, I’ve got a spicy and interesting brain with a tendency to bully and trick. Oh, and delusions are the flipping worst. Even delusions of grandeur are not fun. Well, no, they’re wildly, blindingly fun, but they ruin your life and damage relationships, burn bridges and make bad decisions happen ever so much.

So I’ve got some delusions going on, and they’re quite insidious, because I’m already a fairly sensitive and worried person. I’ve been paranoid and raw to the proverbial touch. I’ve worried and panicked excessively, much more so than usual, and it’s driving me a bit crazy. Every email, every text and absolutely every call, I am instantly on edge. It’s exhausting.

On the other hand, I raised my meds a bit early this year, and it’s worked out pretty well. It’s not ideal to be groggy and tired so often, but it’s been a lifesaver in terms of my sanity. I cannot describe madness with all the details that are seemingly little but very telling. I know, for example, that I’m headed down the road to trouble when I overhear conversations and assume with surety that they are talking about me and my life. I get extremely worried that everything I do is being judged and measured. Sometimes that’s the first step towards thinking I’m in a Truman Show scenario. It’s so frustrating to be at that point with the allure of total insanity, and yet knowing it’s all a brain trick. I miss full mania the way some people miss heroin. I was in love with that feeling. It is no longer an option in my life, though. I’m not 24 again, and I cannot fully destroy my life without losing a LOT that I love.

I’ll cheer this post with a short story. When I was admitted into the Stanford psych ward, wherein I would reside for the next 5 weeks, apparently my shitty ex did laundry (very rare) and put the basket in the bedroom. Legend has it that Dante the cat pushed all my clothing out of the way, and peed directly on his clothes. I was embarrassed at the time…now I simply say GOOD KITTY.

Alright loyal readers, enjoy the day, worry about me less than you’d think, and send some peace, please.

Onward, March!

~ jadybyproxy ~ Leave a comment

Good morning and happy March, dear readers. Once again, I’ve narrowly escaped the horrific clutches of February, and emerged from the darkness and madness of winter. This time, I found myself more at ease than practically any winter before, and the disquiet, discontent, and disturbing suicidal rumination of my brain were but a dull roar. All praise and credit due to a good job, an excellent circle off support, and medication management that was both well-tended and based on accurate diagnoses. Truly, no one can survive winter alone or without help.

Since my natural wake up seems to have settled on about 6:30 am, I’m writing this entry while the other human enjoys a morning without an early alarm, and blessed be. R has been dealing with an impinged nerve in his back for the majority of 2024, and the consistent, often flaring pain had been exhausting. He’s been x-rayed, MRI-ed, and given prescriptions for medications as well as physical therapy; this week he finally got a steroid injection in the spine, and we’re hopeful it takes effect before long, although the doctor told him it could take as much as 2 weeks before he felt significant results. Since we are cohabitating, I don’t feel too selfish saying this has been a wearing process for me as well. I have a newfound respect for partners of folks with chronic pain and lasting injuries, and have seen for the first time (in a long time) the deep frustration of dealing with the medical field and all it’s hoops to clear in order to obtain care.

Just as I’ve gotten a bit callous to the idea of surgery (I’ve had 13 in the span of 9 years before, what’s the big deal?), I’ve numbed a bit in relation to major medical needs…that’s just how one lives, isn’t it? However, I know my thinking is skewed and based on a long history of my own adventures in Medicine Land and Hospital Times. Not everyone deals with these things so often. In fact, I’m pretty damn privileged to have both survived and thrived as a long-term patient of American medicine. I know the ins and outs of doctors appointments, referrals, specialists, hospitals, insurance, recovery, and had advocates/helpers/family to assist with those things, which would have been otherwise unmanageable. I’m very, very, very lucky.

In any case, R is sleeping after a painful night, on the futon I’ve arranged on the floor beside the couch, which seems to be the most comfortable spot to do so. I’m awake, so the animals are awake (and needy), and the sun is rising on this fine weekend day. I’ve never been one with an overabundance of hope, but I feel it in the most cliche of ways when there’s more sunlight, and birds chirping outside, and warmer, milder days. There’s rumor of a snowstorm coming later this weekend, but we’ve by and large had a very gentle season. I’m sure this has contributed to my mood and helped me find footholds in the darkness. I do miss the quiet beauty of snowfall at night, but that seems to be the tradeoff. Never-mind the clear proof that our environment isn’t what it used to be, and never-mind the indications that summer will be absolutely brutal this year. For now, I’m quite pleased to be able to visit the balcony without bitter, biting cold, and I’ve taken advantage of the same to soak in a bit of that sunlight in the afternoons when I’m home from work before sunset (thank all the gods.)

As far as my career is concerned, I continue to navigate middle management with growing knowledge and occasional grace. I’ve been drafted into the Brave Leader program, an 8-month curriculum for those who wish to become more effective, forthright, honest and even vulnerable as leaders. Vulnerable? Yes, well, that’s what you get for having Brene Brown as the author of note for readings. Knowing me, and my professional reliance on both physical armor (dressing up to feel safe) and my perfectionist backstory, vulnerability is something I’ve never associated with being a Boss. I am, however, feeling safer and more securely attached to my job than ever before, and the desire to navigate the discomfort of growth and learning seems to outweigh my fears. I’ll commit here and now to attempt a blog entry after each session of the program, and try to discuss my reactions and thoughts on the reading in between the same. It really would be a shame and waste to squander the process by avoiding my own shortcomings, or not recording my progress, and I’d hate to do such an ambitious project without remembering properly. As you know, dear reader, memory is not my strong suit, so I’ll be relying on the written accounts to refresh my recollections, someday.

Maybe it’s the upcoming springtime, maybe it’s my career taking off in ways I’d never dared dream, either way I’m feeling the need to express myself and be creative. It’s a lovely thing, since motivation can be extremely elusive and wavering in my life. I’m finding myself thinking of new ideas for artistic endeavors, and exploring my options beyond the daily work-and-home life. Nothing is yet solid, but expect great things to come. I’m excited to see wherein my energy will be focused, and am looking forward to sharing a bit more of the right-brain side of my soul with you all. Will it be performing in a written work? Or writing on new topics in a new (probably online) venue? Who could say. Instead of gritting my teeth through the doldrums of deep winter, I find myself seeking to stretch and expand my wheelhouse, and share the joy while I do.

Well, my coffee needs refreshing and my few homework items need attention, since I’d rather not rush them all on Sunday evening and feel flustered and stressed all weekend. It’s an excellent day to be living, and I love feeling the value in it. I’ll be channeling these good thoughts and emotions into a restful yet active weekend, and I hope the same for you, dear readers. At the very least, have the coffee…There’s exciting times ahead; you’ll want to be awake.

January in vivo

~ jadybyproxy ~ 1 Comment

Gentle, loving readers, my apologies (once more, always) for my lack of checking in and documenting the wild and wondrous work of Jady. It’s a thing I’ve mentioned before, but when life gets busy, I neglect to record it, and then I’m left wondering what exactly happened this time or that time, my silly bipolar brain missing the chance to put it all down on proverbial paper, and I lose it to the wind.

Those of you who know me well know that the months of January through late march are often horrific for me, emotionally and mentally, and I generally suffer through these dark days without missing a single chance to complain and commiserate with you all. This has not yet been the case, knock on wood. Maybe it’s the career (certainly, actually), maybe its my home life, maybe it’s the lack of truly gruesome weather (sunny and mild as I type), maybe it’s the joy of finding new connections and people in the world. Most likely the delightful combination of all.

Career-wise, I’m finding my footing more and more in the world of middle management, and great things are brewing. I’ve taken on a side-hustle in the world of private practice, and I’m happy to say last week marked my consultation meeting with and subsequently being hired by my very first client for the same. I’m so excited to venture into the world of private therapy…never before have I worked outside of non-profit, and the idea of making a go at my own practice has always been an intimidating but alluring one. Of course, it’s a side job, and it’s under the umbrella of a bigger practice, but all the same…I’m making my own schedule and hours, I’m in the mix developing the marketing material and my own profile on the website AND Psychology Today, and I’m enjoying stretching my wings in an entirely new avenue of this grand thing we call Therapy.

Of course, my day job is my favorite I’ve ever had, and I adore my clients/coworkers/boss/company. It’s going so well and I feel so appreciated in a way I never have in any position. Without sounding too boastful…it’s wonderful to be seen as intelligent and capable, playing at the top of my game, and helping so many people in all the ways I can. I’m able to use EMDR and Seeking Safety and so many other awesome modalities, and work with the formerly underuse, formerly incarcerated people I adore, every day. Those who work in residential rehab will most likely agree, it’s not simply a job, it’s a way of life, and sharing my life with the aforementioned folk is GREAT!

Well, I’ve definitely buried the lead…the Boyfriend moved in! His ‘charming’ landlord sold the building out from under him, he lost his apartment he’s had for 13 years, and since I offer OFTEN, he moved in with me. Not the most fun of circumstance by which to enter into cohabitation, but the results are very nice. We own SO MUCH STUFF, but the spare bedroom is now an office for use both…me doing my private practice sessions and work from home, he with space for gaming and also working here if needed. The dark spot of the apple is, fairly immediately following the move, Boyfriend developed a pinched nerve in his spine. It’s awful and painful, and a surgery consult has been scheduled. He may not have to have a surgical procedure, but it does seem fairly likely. If so, I’m very glad he has a place wherein he can heal, and I can be there to support as I want to do. Right now, he often sleeps on the floor with his legs on the couch, which is apparently as comfortable as he can get, and is in daily discomfort and pain. It’s been a hard month and if surgery makes that go away, I’m a fan. Poor, sweet guy.

The weather has been very rare of Utah…although I suppose this is the new norm, a few unimpressive snowfalls, more sun, short rainstorms and occasional gloom. I absolutely loathe waking in the darkness for work, and heading home with only an hour or two of daylight left in the day, so springtime (late springtime, really) cannot come soon enough. I’ve been able to combat the yearly doldrums and depression with medication management and therapy, but nothing works quite as well as long, warm days, and pleasant nights when I can enjoy my balcony and open windows and doors. Sister reminded me a few moths ago to, gasp, schedule my medication adjustments by time of year, which is very reasonable and useful advice, so once I noted feeling WILDLY suicidal/irritable/sad, I marked it on my to do list for a visit to the doctor, same time next year. As it is, I visit him about every three months when the seasons change, but literally writing it down is a huge and necessary step towards avoiding wanting to melt into the earth and die. *

There are a few new connection and rekindling of friendships in my life as well, and I’m enjoying the company and getting-to-know-ness of it all. Oakland friendships have been strengthened and enriched following a visit back in October. Dating a new fellow in Salt Lake has been very fun, and is at the point wherein I don’t think he’s going to drop contact and ghost, although that’s always a concern (boys, am I right?). Polyamory suits me, I think. I’ve had a nice time, the attention is admittedly excellent for my confidence, and I get to enjoy being myself with present, kind, funny, sweet people. furthermore, my relationship with Boyfriend continues to thrive. It’s a great place to be in my life.

So…things are good. February looms and we’re not out of the woods just yet, but things are looking bright in a way winter rarely can be for me. I’m hoping this post finds you all likewise optimistic and inundated with love. If that’s not the case, you know there’s always a hug available. Til next time, hooray!

*Yes, my dears, suicidal thoughts are present in my life on a regular basis. it’s really fine, I just have an extra spicy and morbid brain. I’m going to butcher this quote, but “the thought of suicide has helped many a man through a dark night.”…meaning, the idea that I could do terrible things ironically keeps me from terrible things, and I’m weirdly grateful for that.