Good morning, loyal readers. Since I got only 5 hours of rest (hello, springtime, my insomnia-ridden friend), well, you all reap the benefits of my lackluster sleep schedule and get to read a snippet of things currently on my mind. You fortunate, fortunate things. Truly, I envy you.

Something to consider; my dreams are frequently vivid, disquieting, and often feature someone I love who’s currently in the afterlife. Although resolutely agnostic, I like to believe that if is there consciousness beyond the mortal existence, there must be a Cool Heaven (TM), wherein the occupants are not pure, not pious, but wonderful and awesome souls who made even a brief yet brilliant mark on the lives of their loved ones.

In this place, if such a thing exists, I imagine my sister Ashley has an impressive menagerie populated by the spirits of our pets/familiars who are gone from this life. She’s got a huge California king bed with a nightly dog pile of cuddles, and a garden of non-toxic plants upon which the kitties nibble. There’s an impressive aquarium filled with past fishes and frogs (including the guppies and a few crawdads we caught in the summer in the creek), and miles of farmland for exploring, playing fetch, and daily romps in the nearby woods. At night, you can hear the crickets sing, and see lightning bugs in the air, glowing like fairy lights. Sometimes the grandparents visit, and have dinner, and tell stories, petting eager pups, enjoying the twilight while gathered on the porch. I like to think that no-one there is ever lonely, or sick, or feels unloved.

I’ll never really know if this is a possible or real thing, until (naturally) the day when I do.

However, despite this lovely land to enjoy and explore, Dante, Cormac, and Ashley come to visit me often during my sleep. Dante is still shy and, I assume, feels a bit contrite about being the last one to leave me. Cormac comes for the scratches and cuddles and comfort, of course. Ashley, as she did in life, usually points out something I need to notice, or indicates the road to take me somewhere new, and walks beside me on the path there. While I expect and demand a REASON for EVERYTHING in this world, to my own detriment/disappointment at times, I don’t question their visits even one little bit. It feels right, and natural, to welcome them as guests in my dreams, even though it occasionally breaks my heart. Sometimes they’re in my nightmares, too. The night terrors are mostly frequented by Ashley, which I actually can explain (PTSD, duh), but sometimes my little furry ones show up and chase demons away. While the nightmares suck, they are, indeed, usually telling me something. Not one night is wasted when I can recall with whom I visited in my dreams.

Yet, it’s exhausting and awful at times to wake up from a dream about someone you love, who you may never see again. I mean, Ashley has been gone for 18 years as of this summer; but grief has no timeline, and love endures. Dante’s passing a year ago still feel starkly fresh, and Cormac, who died in 2020, is still often on my mind. I cannot imagine the pain if they stopped their visits, and cannot describe the sadness upon waking after they do.

But I suppose that’s the price you pay to see someone so precious, if only for a short and sorrowful time. I wouldn’t trade that for all the restful nights in the world. I just wish the harder mornings, like this morning, I had the comfort of true faith, so I could feel confidence in Cool Heaven, and the certainty of future joy of visiting all of them (on my own terms) again.

Enjoy the morning, loyal readers, and hug someone of great value in your life today, if you can. Remind them that you’d never be the same without them. Love them and let them know that you do.