I’m alive, first of all.

I haven’t been blogging lately, and for that I apologize (to myself). I missed thanksgiving and would have damn near missed Christmas if I wasn’t careful. As I’ve said before, blogging gets difficult when life is particularly good or bad, but it also turns out it gets hard when maintaining the status quo. I’ve been fighting depression pretty hard lately, and that causes anxiety, and both those strange sister symptoms keep me from being productive. Sorry, me. 

So tomorrow, apart from being a regular old Wednesday, is the anniversary of my starting my job. That’s right, I will have been at Company for a year now. I don’t expect flowers or anything (no, really, you needn’t bother) but it does mean I get a review, and possibly a raise. Possibly. I’m nervous for the damn thing because I really hate talking about myself in professional settings…which is why my MSW application was such a nightmare…but I have to stand up for myself and explain why I deserve more money for what they’re already getting from me for less. Stupid when you think about it that way, isn’t it? In any case, I really could use that raise. Like, badly. 

Today was also the last day of class before my final next week in psych 1010. I was told that I have 86.8% out of 90% for the grade thus far, so I basically have to get a 82 or higher on my final to get an A. My test grades were an average of 92%, so I feel fairly confident. I don’t want to jinx anything, but yeah, rare and deserved confidence in my mad psych skills. Just praying I get a bevy of questions on bipolar. Not likely, since bipolar is in one chapter and the test is one or two questions per chapter, but I’ll hope all the same. 

Now, I actually want to write more, but I’m up past my bedtime by a few hours already. I’ll pay for it in the morning. It was worth it to talk with you a bit, loyal reader. I’ve missed out little chats. Goodnight. 

Today I….

Went to a sleep study evaluation. Have to go back Wednesday to get a kit for an in home sleep study and back on Thursday before work to turn it in. Argh. 

Went to get my blood taken for lithium levels. Surprisingly painless. 

Went home to check on the dogs. They were still idiots. 

Went to Walgreens for a prescription. Bought extra candy for the evening. 

Attempted to find the County Clerks office, which I think was closed and is currently MIA.

Went to Walmart to find they were closing down the Halloween shop. Savages. 

Went to Walgreens again to try and find Halloween decor and makeup. Success! 

Went to my brain doctor to get new prescriptions and waited 75 minutes even though I got there an hour early. 

Decided against a car wash as the leaves are still falling and I ususally park under a tree.

Went BACK to Walgreens to get my new prescriptions filled. 

Went home and worked on my class presentation for psych 1010 class tomorrow. 

Put on makeup, dressed up, and greeted trick or treaters for a few hours. 

Husband came home, roomie came home, dinner was had, Interview with the Vampire was watched, shower, style hair, pick outfit for tomorrow, blog about my day, bed. 
Next time I take a day off from work, maybe a little less work, eh?
Goodnight, loyal reader. 

Sometimes I want ice cream. Not literal ice cream, but ice cream as it used to be when I was a kid. That sure fire, saves the day no matter how bad, everything is awesome because we’re eating it, ice cream. I’m a damn adult now and I can buy ice cream any time I want to, but nothing on this good green earth compares to how ice cream used to cure all ills back them. If I could get my husband ice cream right now, I would do it, because he’s literally losing weight over his new promotion. I’m losing weight through sheer will power (at a much slower rate), additionally because of the stress over school and work and applying for my MSW makes eating a chore. I have plenty of chores, dammit. I have a deadline approaching. I have a test on Tuesday. I have work that I’m behind on. 

I want some fucking ice cream. 

Every year. 

The days get shorter, colder. The holidays creep up. Did I mention the cold?

And something triggers in my brain that makes me feel a sense of dread EVERY FUCKING DAY. So forget all the pensive shit I could get into, just like last year, just like every year. The only think I can do is keep busy. 

I’m keeping busy, so….

Check out the show I’m on!
It was super fun to film, and I got to talk nerd. With nerds. So how bad can it be to be me?

Sigh. 

I left my tree / In the sun too long / One by one it / Dropped its leaves / I brought it inside / By a window facing south / In the shade of the house / And watered it carefully / I was sure it had died / But something told me / To wait and wait/ Now little baby buds/ new little leaves/ are sprouting on my tree

Tonight, loyal reader, I stretched my ears to a 14 gauge. That means I’ll probably stay at a 14 for a few weeks, then move on to 12, 10, 8, 6….and probably stop there, although I have tapers in my kit up to a 00. Maybe 4. I have been wanting to do this for a long time, and now that I have hair that properly covers my ears in a professional manner, I can do it. I’m hoping my weight goes down with each taper, that would be a lovely matching of what I want and what I have. 

I have a lot of changing to do. 
This week, I realized that my credit card debt wouldn’t simply dissolve itself,  my weight was climbing, and generally I needed to get my shit together. I will not buy alcohol for the next three months, until I’ve paid off my credit card debt. That probably means a lot less drinking. I also need to start working out regularly, because I am getting fatter daily. I’m frankly miserable in the body I have accrued, like so much driftwood (fat) after a storm (moving to Utah). I cannot tolerate it any longer. And spending less and thus drinking less will help weight loss happen, so I’m all lined up for success. 

Unless I fail. Unless I lose momentum and teeter off the wagon. That is where I would normally ask you, loyal reader, to help me out. But I can’t rely on the nameless faceless Internet to make me be a badass. I have to do it myself. I have to soldier on without support from the outside. Can I do this? Will I? We will see. 

Seriously though, isn’t Cormac adorable in that pic? Priorities, people. 

I had a good weekend, although suddenly it doesn’t doesn’t feel like summer anymore. 
I’m sorry, I Will blog lots of things this week, but right now bed looks pretty good. 

Goodnight, loyal reader. 

Long time no see, loyal reader!

This summer has just blown past, and I’ve been too caught up to write about it. Sorry about that. Please take this picture of Dante as an apology, isn’t he the cutest? 

So. I got my CNA certification. I am in a prerequisite class and applying for my masters. J came to visit and we had two racks of ribs in two days, which was awesome. I almost went to Burning Man and then I remembered I was poor and have a job. I got a raise. I sprained my foot. Went to Montana for Ali and Boris’s wedding reception. 

The Husband is at Burning Man right now and I miss him a lot. Getting a headache so I best wrap this up.
It was a good summer, but Halloween is gonna kick its ass. 
Oh and I’m going to comic con. 
Goodnight, loyal reader!

I grew this avocado plant from a seed. It takes at least 10 years for an avocado plant to grow to maturity and start producing avocados, if it’s fertilized, if it lives that long, lots of different reasons and problems and issues can crop up. My body is very similar to this avocado tree… It is a slave to its environment, it is fragile and yet resielent in many ways. It is growing. 

The difference is, while I cheer on my little tree, I berate and hate my body for growing the way it has for the past two years. I don’t want to body-shame myself, but I cannot go on with the body that I have in its current state. 
Over the past week I have asked for advice about losing weight and gotten responses ranging from helpful to Bizzarre. While I understand respecting someone’s wish to change their body I am a little bit perturbed by the fact that not a single person said that I had a reasonable and beautiful body just the way that it was. It seems that everybody agrees with me that my body should be reviled and rejected. Maybe I’m being too harsh but it wouldn’t kill them all to take a moment and let me know that even though I wasn’t happy with myself the way that I luck I wasn’t wrong or bad or unappealing. Of course I do agree with everyone that I should be working out more and eating better. I do agree with everyone that it takes effort to change one’s body and that effort is something that I wish I had inside myself more accessibly. 

I have started workout programs over and over again and always quit them, with the exception of doing soccer when I was very young and very committed to the sport. I’ve always been naturally thin and it was something that I took for granted until a couple of years ago when my body chemistry and my medications pushed me over the line pass 200 into a weight that I am wholly uncomfortable with. Just for example, my husband is 6’4″ and he weighs about as much as I do. That’s not sexy that’s not cool that’s not who I want to be. I want to be able to fit into my wedding dress that I wore only five years ago, I want to wear my wedding ring that fit me a year ago. I feel so fucking helpless that I get all this good advice from people and don’t follow through and then I end up complaining about my own situation. It makes me feel like a worthless piece of crap.

My ultimate goal is to get down to 170 within a year and a half, through diet and exercise (bikram yoga and cardio and possibly weight training)…. It takes 10 years to make an avocado tree, I think it will take about a year and a half to make a better me. Now I just have to keep myself from hating myself the entire time that I am not where I would like to be. Patience is the key to this, patience and self-love. I really do think that I can do better. Without the effort of growing a tree we would never have the fruits of our labor. 

I want guacamole.

Goodnight, loyal reader. 

Not my most flattering selfie, is it?

A week ago I went to my first podiatrist ever, and had minor surgery on my left big toe, displayed above. After a week of wound care, I’m finally allowed to sleep bandage-free, although I still have to clean it and bandage it every morning for the daytime, shoe wearing hours. You can see the bruise around my nail bed, yes? That’s where they dug out a literal inch of impacted toenail. It was pleasant. Highly recommended. Additional sardonic comments. 

So I rocked my CNA class final, got 90% and was rewarded with my subsequent Facebook post getting over 100 likes. I was a little baffled by the outpouring of support, but I suppose if you do something awesome, people are going to respond. Thanks to everyone who made me feel like hot shit for a day or two. 

I also got a lot of responses to my post about weight loss and how to do it. I took them all with a grain of salt. It’s one thing to be psyched about what weight loss program worked for you, and what you think is the best way to live for skinny. On the other hand, I was stupidly dissapointed that no one bothered to say I look great where I am. Not that that would be true, but it’s a nice thing to say to someone. Mostly people applaud my boobs, but that’s kinda part of the problem. They were fantastic three sizes ago, people. Calm it down. 

In any case, I’ve been chatting diet nonsense for three days now, and I’m sick of it. I’ll keep you posted, obviously, loyal reader, but I may veer in a different direction on social media. I don’t want to become one of those people who can’t shut up about my diet this, my workout plan that. I’m very unhappy with my current body, but….shockingly…..so are a lot of us. And I strive to be original. 

On that note, I’m going to do something daring and risky…go to bed while I still could write more. My brain ain’t going nowhere. It’ll wait until next time. 
Goodnight, loyal reader.