Well, I did my practicum placement interview. 

And by god, I kicked ass. 

My practicum teacher, M, said I was professional and clever and all sorts of nice things. He thought that working with children and adolescents would be a great departure from the work I’m currently doing. We chose 5 schools from the list of placements as my top 5 options. In June, I will get a letter saying which one I go to for a final interview. Then I kick that interviews ass and get the placement. Simple and stress free, right?

M said I have nothing to worry about, but he clearly doesn’t see every possible flaw like I do. 

Loyal reader, I’m stressed. 

So, if you didn’t know, somehow even though you read my blog and should really know these things, anyway if you didn’t know I am on disability which means that I get a certain allotment of financial assistance every month from the government. It also means that I have to do silly things like get a doctors note to have my drivers license renewed and report back to Social Security about how I spend the money they give me. I’ve made around three or four reports per year every year since I started receiving benefits. Mostly the process is pretty painless but it can still be rather annoying to have to jump through every hoop they set before me.

Anyway, last week I received a strange letter from the Social Security office saying that I had an over payment of about $3000, comprising of the benefits received for the last three months. They said in this letter that I should have received no benefits and I needed to repay the money within 30 days. Obviously I thought this was pretty strange, as did my husband, so he went down to the office and ask them on my behalf what the hell was going on. 

Apparently the clerk was very apologetic but said that for some reason or other, I was supposed to have stopped receiving benefits on April 2014 until now. This meant that there was an over payment of approximately $35,000… Which they also expected paid back within 30 days. Considering $35,000 is more than I make in a year at my job, it is hardly a small sum that they wish for me to repay. Our only option now is to appeal their decision and delay the payback. All of this is happening just after I learned that I got into the Masters program which is something that is a financial concern as well so you can imagine how I am feeling. Not only is it truly impossible to repay $35,000, it’s going to be a really financially difficult to get a masters degree on the amount of money that I will be making per month without that government aid. 

I am really scared for the future but I am trying very hard to be brave.

I feel sometimes as if people judge me for taking government assistance when I am not debilitatingly physically disabled. I’m not in a wheelchair, I’m not blind or deaf, I can speak and move for myself. However I feel it is important to add that being bipolar as well as having a disabled hand, is more than enough difficulty for me to handle, thanks. It’s not as if I am cheating the system, if you look on their website for Social Security disability insurance, there’s no hard number for exactly when you make too much money in your profession to receive benefits from the government. There’s no rules exactly about working, except for that they seem to be pretty happy with you when you do have a job even though you are receiving benefits. In my mind more workers is better workers, don’t you think? I honestly can’t believe they would rather have me sitting at home then making a living and using the benefits to supplement my income which is not impressive at the very least. It’s nothing against my boss or my profession it’s just a job that doesn’t really make the big bucks. On the other hand it is doing something that I love which is working with The disabled. I probably wouldn’t have gone into social work as a Masters program if I hadn’t been able to work at jobs like these for years before I made the decision to go for my higher education. 

Now the question becomes how much exactly is this going to damage my life. I am beyond stressed out and I do wish to apologize if I am not my usual bubbly self for the next little while… For once it doesn’t have to do with a medication change ha ha.

Now if you’ll excuse me loyal reader, I havenightmares to realize. 

This picture is here to illustrate exactly how much I have neglected things like taking care of my toenails and getting pedicures regularly so that I can wear cute shoes during the spring and summer. It’s not just the money of getting a pedicure… They are like $30 if you’re lucky by the way… It is the time spent sitting there while they clean and maintain your feet that just drives me absolutely crazy. It may seem like I like doing things like dying my hair and getting my nails done but really it’s a chore that I do because I want to look and feel feminine and attractive. I enjoyed the results but actually sitting in the chair and making small talk with someone doing your nails or doing your hair makes me so deeply uncomfortable. I actually prefer going to crowded places where people are making conversation from chair to chair so that I can fade into the background and just get my acrylics and my toenails taken care of and get the hell out of there and on with my life. It’s not a treat for me it’s a necessity for my mental well-being. Self-care and all that.

So I got into the Masters program. This means in some ways that I have accomplished a lot but the real accomplishment lays before me. I still have to finish my prerequisites for the Masters program to officially be eligible for membership into their secret club for jerks. I’m exaggerating a bit but it’s has seemed rather exclusionary at least as far as getting back to emails and being helpful with how to register properly through the school.  I have had to jump through quite a bit of hoops and be annoyingly persistent with my correspondence to make sure that I get into the classes that I need to be in. I know this is just the tip of the proverbial iceberg when it comes to how hard I have to work for the next two years and change. I’m pretty intimidated with the entire process but I know that I can do well if I just stick to my plan and work my ass off. At least that’s what I keep telling myself. Stick to the plan. Sounds like good old-fashioned American advice doesn’t it? USA! USA! 

What else has been going on? Well apart from taking new classes I have current classes that I need to do pretty well on. My human development class is particularly annoying at the moment because I am right at the cusp of having an A in my class, but I missed four points on the last 30 point Assignment, And that was enough to lower my grade from a 93 to a 92, an A-. I know I really shouldn’t worry that much about having a perfect 4.0, but it really would make me feel better about starting a Masters level classes if I was kicking ass at the prerequisites. I got an a in last semester so I have a 4.0 currently, but that will change really quick if I don’t put all my effort into the last two sections of the class/book.

So just to make sure that everything I talk about isn’t incredibly difficult to swallow/empathize with, I will tell the story of when I went to the pharmacy today. First of all they texted me to let me know that my medication was ready and since the last time I talked with them I told them I only wanted medication refilled when it was all able to be refilled at once, I figured I would get my full supply of medication when I arrived at Walgreens. Not only did they not have my medications filled at all except for the one that I actually did not need, they were apparently contacting my doctor asking for a refill of her prescription that I always bring in a prescription paper for after I go to my doctors appointments… The dosages change based on how I am feeling currently and it’s not always the same prescription so using my old one to do a refill was actually probably the stupidest thing they could do. I am sure that they were trying to do their best because I’ve always had a fairly positive experience with this pharmacy but honestly you don’t even check if someone’s prescriptions have changed before you refill them, you just try and contact the Dr directly? That seems like they’re trying to get around to contacting the patient. If I had been a little old lady who was just trying to get her medications and make her way home, they would have given me the wrong prescription, the wrong medication, and they didn’t even have it ready when I arrived at the pharmacy because of their text telling me that everything was ready.

And just look above you for a minute and noticed that my writing about my annoyance at the pharmacy took up more time than my discussion of my masters fucking program. I just want to emphasize that that’s exactly how much the customer service I got bothered me. Not just because it inconvenienced me but because it’s a fucking dangerous practice, doing blind refills without contacting the customer at all. Seriously not cool Walgreens.

Thank you as always for reading, loyal reader, I certainly hope when I start my program that I don’t drop off the map and quit writing this. It has been a labor of love and I really like having it around so that I remember what I was doing when I was doing it and who I was doing it with. My bipolar Brain doesn’t have the greatest memory in the world… Which I do recall that I have mentioned several several times. My point is please keep reading I really like having people around knowing what I am up to. Have a wonderful delightful night.

Spring is here. The dark days are over. I got into the masters program. 

Thanks for the support so far, loyal reader. 

Anxiety: The ability to see the worst outcome of every possible scenario, real or imagined. 

Mania: The ability to come up with 1 million ideas and follow through on exactly none.

Hypomania: less severe but more pervasive, the feeling that you are crawling out of your skin every moment and absolutely nothing can make you happy for longer than momentary tactile/tangible interaction. Eating, for example.

I have absolutely no idea why I am writing this blog, why I continue to subject myself to platitudes and general disregard for my writing on a daily basis. I have no idea if anyone apart from my family reads this but I would like to think that possibly somebody who is embarrassed by their bipolar has come across my blog and realize that it’s really just a very funky way of life. I would love to say that I am feeling good but unfortunately spring time has reared its ugly head, and I am at a point where I have to either raise my medications or go for spring crazy. I chose my medications, started the new dosage yesterday, and today I spent most of the time going to the bathroom as the medications are pretty hard on my stomach, or keeping myself busy by interacting with other people who I assume but cannot be sure are far less crazy than I am. In any case, it’s pretty important to keep track of how you feel when you start a new medication so I thought it would be a good idea to blog even though frankly I’m not feeling particularly talkative or eloquent at the moment.

Now I have to go to bed, loyal reader, don’t be a stranger OK?

I really don’t have much to say about this weekend. The highlight was hanging out with I, who went to the audition with me and even got a call back. ETA: she didn’t get cast, because they are dumb. I has got some pipes on her.

There are days like this when even the shortest, simplest blog seem difficult. To be frank, work used to be very frustrating. I answer phones all day,  I do paperwork and computer work, I go visit my daily client. Now they’re teaching me billing codes and tricks, and I actually have to pay attention. It’s nice to know they consider me competent, but it’s very nerve-wracking. One wrong move and we lose money. I suppose it’s better than being bored. Stressful, though. Sigh. 

I am very much looking forward to my trip to Oakland over St. Patrick’s Day weekend. I am staying with my friend L and possibly her daughter, part of the time. We are going to go Irish Caroling and maybe even to the Exporatorium. I will get to see people I haven’t seen for over 2 years. I’m terrified they will all think I’ve gotten fat. Isn’t my brain adorable?

Ok, next blog will have a cohesive message, ok, loyal reader? Good night. 

(pictured above, a draft of my failed attempt to design a logo for Burning Man)

Victory, loyal readers!!!

My insurance company called me yesterday and informed me that they would be paying me $450 for pain and suffering as a result of my auto accident (and subsequent trip to the ER)! I took that money (which they deposited directly into my checking account; we live in the future, deal with it) and paid off my credit card bill in its entirety. Thanks to this accident, I now only have one outstanding credit card debt, instead of two. Winning, people!

Total change of topic: when I write things out on the Word program at work (PC) the program not only checks my spelling and grammar, but also whether my writing is ‘concise’…. for example, ‘as a result of’ becomes ‘because of’, etc. It’s really frustrating, because I see all these damn squiggly lines on a perfectly proofed, yet apparently not concise writing. Stop judging me, Word. Your Mac version don’t give me that lip. Punk.

Whereas my weekend last week was wrought with difficulty and Vagina Monologues, this weekend I plan on having only fun and merriment. I have an audition I’m considering, although it’s for a musical and I sing very poorly under pressure. Even the audition is pretty damn scary. However, I really like a certain role in the show that is very light on the singing, and I’d love to be part of the production. It’s scary because rejection (which is awfully common in acting/writing/everything fun) makes me feel terrible and doubt my self-worth. It’s silly, isn’t it? I love the act of performing, but I am devastated by a bad review of my talents. I know I’m not the only actor who suffers from this particular dichotomy, it’s what makes tortured artists so damn common, but I really have to toughen up.

Seriously, though, I sing in a voice like someone killing a manatee. It’s painful.

Might as well put on my big girl pants and try anyway.

I was in the vagina monologues this weekend. The photo above proves I love pussycats. Met some good people, had a good time, raised money for Planned Parenthood. All good things. 

What a flipping week. 

Tuesday morning, I was driving to work as per usual, when an IDIOT ran a stop sign and hit me on the rear driver side bumper. I spun 180° and hit a parked car with my passenger-side rear bumper. That’s right, she hit me hard enough to spin my car around. At would should have been a stop sign. She happened to live just two houses down from where she hit me, so I told her to call the police as I checked myself and my car for damage. She went inside and came back 5 minutes later and gave me her insurance. She invited me inside and I declined. I had texted my hubby, he came on over and checked out the damage. He advised me to call the cops, since it had been almost 15 minutes and no one had shown up. I called the cops on a non emergency line and they told me that as long as no one was injured I could report my accident online on their website. I thought that they should have come ut, but they did not. The IDIOT driver went about her business, driving away even as hubby arrived. I called work and told them the situation. I went to the ER and they said I had neck strain, gave me a prescription for muscle relaxers and sent me on my way. 

I spent most of the week dealing with insurance and finding out that the IDIOT had not had insurance when she hit me up but had gotten it right afterwards… Probably when she went into the house to get her insurance for me… my insurance is covering the cost of repairs and the cost of a rental car, but there is still the matter of the deductible which is $400. Apparently my insurance company will go after the IDIOT in collections if necessary. Either way I am incredibly pissed at this person, and really hope she gets exactly what she deserves.

 This week I had three papers due for school and I had to deal with the insurance bullshit, and today while painting and detoxifying from the world, I attempted to open a bottle with my teeth and I chipped my front tooth. So on top of everything else I will have to go in for a dentist appointment as soon as possible to fix my tooth.

This week I have to:

1. Write 2000 words in my novel
2. Unit 4 online discussion 
3. Unit 3 quiz
4. Work (including the federal holiday Monday) 
5. Soc 1010 reading
6. Soc 1010 class on Wednesday 
7. Pay gas bill
8. Dentist appointment 
9. Therapy appointment 

And that’s just what I can think of off the top of my head. 
I’m very tired already, loyal reader.

Instead of sleeping in as I usually do on Saturday mornings, this Saturday I drove up to Park city and worked as an extra on a film shoot for a music video. And by work I mean I sat in the green room chatting with somebody while they filmed and realize that they didn’t have time to use me for the video. So I didn’t get any on camera time, sadly. The people with whom I chatted, however, were engaging and pleasant, and I’m getting paid $50 for my time. I do regret it a bit considering how tired I am right now, but alas, that’s part of working in the Industry. 
I still haven’t heard back about the Masters program and I’m getting pretty anxious about the whole idea. It would be nice if they told me exactly what is going on so I don’t know what to do with the next three years of my life. I understand that it is a big decision and I respect him spending the time choosing the proper candidates but I have been waiting since the beginning of November to hear back from them and I would really just like to know either way. Obviously this is something that I really want so it would be nice to get an affirmative answer… But at this point I just really want The anxiety to go away. 
I really want to be more consistent with my blogging, it’s been 17 days since I’ve written a post and I feel that I can do better than that. If any of you loyal readers are actually reading this consistently, I would love to hear from you about what you like about my blog and what you would like to see. Maybe I’m just shouting in the dark.