I am 11 days away from a healed toe. 

If I do the wound care properly, if it grows right, if I don’t mess it up. 

I am 9 days away from filming another cameo. 

And being on camera at this weight makes me feel like the ugliest thing in the world. And performing is generally awesome until it terrifies me. 

I am 6 days away from a family wedding in Montana. 

Everybody will ask me what I’m doing with my life, and I don’t know if they’ll like the answer. I barely know what the answer is. 

I am 2 days away from taking my final in CNA school.

Which means I’ll have to take the state test afterward. If I didn’t not pass that, I’m quite certainly fucked. 

I have skills workshop tomorrow…also for CNA school. 

I’m blogging instead of sleeping because I need to feel like I accomplished something other than doing nursing assistant nonsense all weekend. 

God damn I hate my life choices right now. But that’s mostly sleep dep. Mostly. 
Goodnight, loyal reader. 

Sometimes, the world slaps you can the face. Like when you hydroplane off the highway into a ditch. Or you realize you’re taking classes for something you never want to do. Sometimes life is a clever bitch that way. 
I’m doing my clinicals at 6am tomorrow. I’d rather be anywhere else.
Goodnight, loyal reader.

Adulting is a funny thing. We have to balance money spent vs saved, fun times (like visiting the brewery pictured above)  vs work needed to advance our goals, emotional needs vs sucking it up, buttercup. At this point, I’m teetering on the edge of doing everything that needs to be done and doing everything well. 

My schedule for the next while:

Thursday and Friday I go to class from 8-1, then work from 1:30-4:30.

Saturday I go to class from 8-1, spend the rest of the day studying and getting 50 b/p readings for class.

Sunday and Monday I have 2 of my 3 clinical days, shadowing a CNA at a nursing home, from 6am-2:30pm. 

Tuesday and Wednesday I have work from 8:30-4:30. 

Thursday I have my virtual clinical day at the school from 8-5. Then I go to work after hours and finish up my Long Term Care Insurance paperwork so I don’t have to go to work on Friday. 

Friday the husband and I leave for a wedding in Nevada. 
When I’m not working or learning in class, I have to:  Buy scrubs, do laundry, return library books, clean the house, prep the house for our vacation, lock down our house sitter, pack, buy pet food if needed, eat, take meds, STUDY and sleep.

I’m sure I’m forgetting something, but that’s all part of the fun. F.   U.    N. Fun. 

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to cry for a while about my life choices and fall asleep before the brain weasels eat my head. 

Goodnight, loyal reader. 

A week and two days into my CNA class and I barely have time to blog. 
Feelin’ fine.
Goodnight, loyal reader. 

When I got back into town after my California adventure, I took another step towards awesome by having my car (cleaned out beforehand) vacuumed and washed by a Boy Scout troop raising money for some good cause. They had to clean it twice, it was so dirty. The important thing is that I’m taking active charge of making sure my life and living situation is pleasant. 

I also had my six month review at work, and the one thing they kept reiterating (besides how good I was on the phone) was their desire to have me take CNA classes, so I can do supervisory visits for the company and assuredly so I can pitch in when there’s no caregiver to fill a time slot. So I haggled a raise out of them, stated that I would indeed take initiative, and signed up for CNA classes that very day. They turned out to start the very next week, this week in fact, so I’m going to class from 8-1 and work from 1:30-4:30. I also go to class on Saturday so that’s kinda overwhelming.

In any case, I really do need my sleep, loyal reader, so goodnight and wish me luck!

I drove 1600 miles this Memorial Day weekend and survived! My first stop once I left the SLC area was the Bonneville Salt Flats, where I took this picture of the desolate “pet area” and the lovely scenery it beheld. Looking at it now, it seems far more poignant than when I took the snapshot. 

I live in a place of incredible beauty and wonder, and I put my brain in the little stark “pet area” because I’m too anxious to cope. Wouldn’t it be something if I let it free, if my doubt and worry were just silly curiousities on the wayside of my journey, if I was truly brave as I wish to be? Because that’s the thing about bravery, you only have it if you don’t care that sometimes you don’t. 

Today I:

1. Went to work

2. Went to the store and bought two sports bras that actually fit.

3. Went home and changed into workout clothes and cuddled the dogs.

4. Went for a 4.73 km walk/run that lasted 37 minutes and tired me out just enough.

5. Made dinner with a prepackaged diet meal and Brussels Sprouts. 

6. Cleaned the kitchen.

7. Took a shower.

8. Took my meds.

9. Blogged like a bad ass motherfucker. 
I am truly tired, without even counting the meds and their sleepy-making Magic. I am proud of myself, even though I’m lonely and anxious. I’m really looking forward to blogging tomorrow about my mother, whose birthday it will be. 

Sweet dreams, loyal reader. 

I have been struggling lately. Struggling and yet, out of struggle comes growth. You have to feel pain to know the joys of pleasure, right? You have to work hard to reap well-earned rewards. 

First of all, I’m trying to lose weight, which was is harder than I ever thought it would be. I have a supportive family and the physical ability to do excercises, so I’m way ahead of a lot of people. What I lack is motivation fueled by results, as I’ve plateaued at around the same weight for over 6 months. I eat crap and I gain a few pounds, I eat next to nothing and I either stay the same or dip a little. I’m actually dreading my camping trip this Memorial Day because I’m certain that someone is going to ask me if I’m pregnant. Nope, just fatter than when I left California. Would love to be preggers, thanks for rubbing it in. It does occur to me, however, that I may just look the same. Only fatter. And there won’t be questions at all. Just silent observation. 

But maybe my friends don’t care….maybe they don’t see me as fat. Maybe it’s just me. Maybe I am who I want to look good for. Maybe I know I can do better. 

Maybe.

Second of all, I am working on my mental state. I don’t know if this is Harder or just more complicated. 

And now writers block is back. 
Fuck.
Goodnight, loyal reader. 

I’m 31 today. 

I’m too tired to write anything poignant or pithy. 

Thanks for your love, loyal reader. 

  
I’ve been taking anti-anxiety meds every night. They help me get to sleep, sleep longer and dream less horrific things. The trick is, when you take something like, for instance, Xanax, every day, it builds up in your system and creates a tolerance. That means you need a progressively higher dose to produce the same effect. It’s like I’m working out and gaining muscle and need more weight to get the same workout, (except for the fact that working out is for losers and highly effective jerks.*)

Soooo….I’m not taking any anti-anxiety meds tonight. Instead I’m trying relaxation techniques, blogging like I promised myself I’d do, and sleeping with the nightlight on, which is silly but calming. I really want to bug the Husband, but he has work at 5am and he’s already asleep. I really want to blather on Facebook about my problems and get a downpour of support, but frankly it’s been a not-statistically-insignificant drizzle lately…

I’ve realized a couple of things. 

1. Wearing your heart on your sleeve and expecting the average person to treat it lovingly is a recipe for disappointment. 
2.  Needing outside validation is something to work on.
3. Your real friends generally know your phone number.
4. …but they won’t always answer or call when you want them to.
5. …and that doesn’t mean they don’t love you. 
6. Blogging is for the writer, not the reader, and forgetting that leads to bad prose. 
7. You break habits and end addictions simply by letting go of the unattainable and impossible.
8. ….but dreams and hope will sustain you in your darkest days. 

Listen, loyal reader, I’d love to go on and on about the meaning of life, but I have to be better to myself. Sleep is not a luxury I can forgoe. One more day of work and it’s party time. Yay and so on. 
*just kidding, people who work out. You’re cool and I really hope we can discuss how many reps you can do someday. 

  

It’s hard to keep to a sleep schedule when your husband is watching Dr.Who all night. But I have to, so I’ll keep this post short. 

Wake up.

Go to work.

Work. Lunch. Work. 

Go home.

Clean and hide embassing things before the party.

Relax, if possible.

Sleep.

Wake up.

Work. Lunch. Work. 

Clean more and pray to whichever God is listening that someone comes to the party.

Relax, ha ha, totes not possible. 

Sleep.

Wake up, gather party supplies, clean more,stress out. Arrange food and beverages in appealing manner. Stress some more. Get dressed up in inconspicuously cute clothing and makeup and hair. 

Stress for the fun of it. 

Party!

That’s the plan, people. Give me strength. 
Goodnight, loyal reader!