I would love to see P right now. Isn’t he adorable in that suit and tie? (I will always love that man for calling my hand ‘cute’) It’s been a while since we had time together. Years, almost. Damn shame.

I’m taking notes in class on the History of Social Work, and since I read the article already, the lecture that the TA is giving is somewhat redundant. Elizabethan Poor Laws were fuuuuucked up. I presume that if I was born in any other age in history, I’d be miserable. Especially a time in history when disabilities were considered moral failings, yikes.  (Wow, in one slide, she went from the 1960’s civil rights movements to PRESENT. Smooth, TA.)

I’m feeling moderate today, not terrible, probably because I’m keeping busy. Busy-ness will be the death of me, but I’ll by cheerful when I go. Ha. Ha.

Actually, to be honest, I’m really, really tired. Like, depression-tired. I’m also getting snarky in class, and just pointed out that the ‘other side’ is not necessarily uneducated and uninformed, They just don’t agree with you. I’m in a bitchy mood, apparently. Will attempt to hide behind my computer for the majority of the day. It’s safer than letting Bitch Jady run amok.

That’s the trick of an episode; I fucking hate everything. I hate class, I hate the students in class with their limp liberal bullshit. I hate being out of my house, I hate that I had to wear a bra today, god forbid. I’m only able to focus on class, ironically, by doing a side project of blogging. I swear, Mom, I’m listening to the lecture.

Think I might also be getting sick.

Think I’m also a whiny ho.

I’m missing my friends in California, I’m missing my family all over.

OH MY FLIPPING HECK THESE STUDENTS ARE SUCH BLEEDING HEARTS/ WHINY BITCHES

ok, step back Jady, are you having a bad day? Did you just wake up to a bad day when the red bull kicked in? Yeah. There you go.

I could really use a P visit right now. That pic is just pulling at my heartstrings.

oh, loyal reader, I’m blue.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Today was a bad day.

I cried at practicum for a few hours.

The anxiety is stunning.

My tummy hurts.

I want to curl up and sleep for days.

This is a mixed episode.

Bedtime. Thank god for anti-snoring mouth guards, my teeth are clenched. The last thing I need is a stress-induced headache.

Goodnight to you at least, loyal reader.

I should be asleep right now. However, I went to see “It” tonight, and I’m home alone.

It’s a good movie that will make people mad, because the kids talk like real kids, swears included. I had a very good time and yes, it was scary even knowing the plot.

The Husband is in California with his parents. It’s the first time he has hung out with them without me being around for a pretty long time, I hope he is enjoying himself. He left this morning and he gets back Sunday night so I won’t be able to spend the weekend with him but I do hope that he has a lot of fun. The unfortunate part of doing a masters program is that you really can’t take little vacations, even over weekends, without stressing out a lot about the homework that you should be doing.

The husband came home from burning man with a really brilliant idea. I’m almost a little embarrassed that I didn’t think of it myself. I’m playing it pretty close to the vest right now, but I may be asking you guys for input later on in the process of formulating a plan to make the idea happen. Vague, I know.

Now I really am going to try and sleep so have a very good night, loyal reader/killer clown.

I survived Wednesday.

8:35-11:35: practice class with my teacher who primarily works with firefighters and first responders dealing with PTSD. Interesting class, lots of reading. Lots of reading for homework too.

11:50-2:50: human behavior in social environments class with my very nervous and charming teacher. A lot of discussion today about racism and how it affects every facet of human behavior. Disquieting subject but handled well. Lots of reading for homework too.

3:15-3:20: visited my mom in her office on campus, stepdad’s surgery went well on his collarbone. He had a plate put in.

3:45-4:15: interview for an internship at a local theater… I did not get it but I will be working there as an usher for work study.

4:30-5:45: went home and let the dogs outside for a while. Actually took a moment to breathe.

6:15-9:15: training for the usher job.

9:30-11:00: drinks with J, who is leaving for a month in Europe tomorrow. Did Love Shack for karaoke.

Got home. Fed the dogs. Blogged. Goodnight.

I’m so tired. I’m so tired that I’m blogging in daylight, while I can be awake. I’m so tired that it’ll be a miracle if I stay up for the movie this afternoon with mom.

HOURS LATER….

I’m still incredibly tired. Went to lunch with A, who lent me the DSM-V. Watched Wonder Woman with my lovely mom. Read an article on ‘curing’ autism, as part of my DSM class reading, still need finish page 5-25 and 31-86 of the DSM-V before Monday night, when our reading quiz is due online. Still need to read other books before class this week; the books are in the mail. Still worried I’ll never catch up because I didn’t get my books earlier, although they weren’t made known until class, for the most part. I hope I’m not the only student in that boat.

Monday, I have practicum at The School from 8:30-1:30. Then hopefully a trip to the bookstore to get one of my books that’s coming in the next shipment. Then therapy at 5-6 in Holladay, then back home to prep for the reading quiz which is only 4 questions but still very important to me. So I’ll probably be done around 8. And then, of course, my free time includes all the reading for my other Tuesday class, pass out by 11 if possible.

Tuesday I have Macro class first; for which i have to read a human rights article. Then lunch, then the DSM class with the reading on autism and the beginning of the book. Both classes are over by 3:55. Then I have to do Wednesday’s reading, which is somewhere in the syllabus for either class. I have to get a clicker too, or rather a license for my clicker app on my phone.

I’ll tell you about the rest of the week later. Tired now. Headed to bed, sweet dreams.

My first week of classes is over, and tomorrow is practicum day two.

I have so much reading to do. And my books don’t show up until next week.

I’m also pretty sure the air conditioning isn’t working.

I am lonely and I miss my husband.

Step dad broke his collarbone but he’s OK.

Sometimes this blog is just a series of things that I want to remember and exactly when they happened. You have caught onto that, right?

Classes start tomorrow.

I am Jady’s constant nagging anxiety,

I am Jady’s fear and discomfort of/with new people.

I am Jady’s continual sense of dread that the world is going to end and it will be all my fault.

So there’s that. I went to practicum orientation this morning, spent the eclipse faxing paperwork to the SSA so they won’t collect thousands of dollars from me, came home and made coffee for therapy since I can’t afford my usual cafe, went to therapy, came home and took the trash to the curb, stared at my phone for an hour or so, then got off my ass (out of one chair) and sat down to blog about the joys of stress (in another chair).

Classes start tomorrow at 9:10, end at 3:55, and there’s an hour or less lunch in there somewhere. I still need to print out my class schedule, but I have 4 folders with 4 professors’ names on them. I have a planner that’s scheduled a week in advance (and filling up fast).  I have pens and highlighters and even one of my books. The rest I’ll buy when I get cash/make an amazon order. I’m totally prepared, physically.

The real hard part is getting prepared mentally for 12 hours of class a week, spread over 2 days, and 15 hours of week at the School where I have my practicum. There may be up to 19 hours of work from my new work-study gig, and then of course there’s homework and reading for class. Not to mention I have to, say, feed myself every day, give the dogs enough attention so they don’t eat the house, chores, errands, and possibly a Husband cameo once in a while.

Speaking of Husband, he’s in Nevada. for Burning Man. As a contracted employee. He left this past Friday, and we have been texting and occasionally calling. Cell service at Burning Man is a luxury I have very much appreciated last year and this year. Still, he rarely is close to his phone, so messages are few and far between. He made a point of wishing me some kick-ass-ing this morning, and indeed I did kick ass. I miss him being here at the start of my adventure, but he supports me and loves me.

Thanks for listening, loyal reader.

This is the time of year that I consider the most challenging, at least this year. Usually the husband goes off to that big party in the desert, and I stay home and make do for two weeks or more alone. This year I am starting my masters program, classes and practicum, going to therapy for at least a few weeks in a row to catch up with my therapist, and doing everything that I need to do for the Social Security Administration so that they give us the waiver and we don’t have to pay back thousands of dollars. Needless to say for someone who already has anxiety disorder, it’s pretty easy to feel stressed out of my gourd.

Tomorrow I have my practicum orientation, SSA paperwork to fax and mail, therapy and the usual daily chores. I also have to email my schedule to my new boss and hopefully get word back on the internship that she suggested I try out for. I anticipate moderate levels of stress and some wishing that I was at home and not surrounded by people.

Wish me luck, loyal reader!

Welcome to my 100th post on jadybyproxy.com!!!!

I consider doing a countdown of my favorite posts on this list but frankly, all of my posts are equally darling to me. That's such a mom thing to say but it's true. I started this blog when I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, possibly a bit before I accepted the diagnosis. it is my way of coping with my incredibly sporadic memory and keeping track of how I am doing throughout the years. I think the hardest part of having a memory that isn't very reliable is that I have arguments with the husband over and over again at different points in the year and I never remember how they were resolved so they happen again. The nice thing about having a blog is that you can go back and look at where you were years ago and possibly not make the same mistakes twice. To be perfectly honest, this is the hundredth post on this particular blog but I do have posts from the original redrighthandmade.wordpress.com. So it's not actually the 100th post in my blogging career. Still, hell, you don't pass up an opportunity for celebration when you find one. I'm going old school with this one and writing a poem for my muse, the Husband.

The mornings are still warm
You're still here before the big party
I was invited too
But I have work to do
Seasons change
Time drags me forward
But love is ever long
I hum our wedding song
Soon I will see you rarely
Soon you will sleep in dust
Still remaining true
To all I am to you
The dogs are curled up now
In the memory of you
And time, she ticks along
Hopeful hearts are never wrong
I cannot see the moon
I assume it's waning
I hope you have a better view
Look up if you want to
We can share the night apart
My muse, my love, my heart.

Happy centennial, loyal reader.

Tomorrow is orientation day for my practicum at The School. I have a lovely outfit picked out, I had homemade tofu tacos for dinner, and I just got my final grade for my last prerequisite, so they can't kick me out for not kicking that class's ass. Basically I am prepared and eager to go be awesome. Even my sweet puppy Moro farting in bed next to me can't get me down.

I have lots to write about but have to be at The School at 8am, so really quickly: yoga, fence, money, books, MMR, doctor, SSA, flood, dog park, internship, job, donation.

Obviously that made all the sense in the world, so good night, loyal reader!