It’s rough, it is unedited, it is pretty much me talking at you for eight minutes, but you might find it interesting, loyal reader. All my love, as per usual 😘

Well, true to form, I am having incredible difficulty sleeping in the likewise incredibly comfortable bed that my parents have provided for my trip up to Montana.

However, my bad fortune is your good luck, because I managed to find out how to post videos to this blog, in a fairly easy way for me to do from my phone, which is great because my computer is definitely not a powerhouse of editing and video quality.

So enjoy this first story about Ashley, sadly a lot of the stories that are most present in my mind are difficult ones to tell, and I’m sure difficult to hear for some people. I want to remind you all that this is something I want to do out of love and remembrance, and hopefully it doesn’t end up feeling too bad for everyone. I guess we will see.

Hello again after a while, loyal reader. Suffice to say the world has been interesting enough to distract me from my written word. Or rather, I am using all my energy to write documentation for work and administration for the same. I have so many outlets and so little energy for my creative brain….That is one of the several reasons why I am stepping down as a clinical Director and taking a position as an outpatient therapist. I will be officially done with my role as CD as of April 1. (Bad timing, but that is not a joke.)

No, it is not often that people give themselves a demotion, at least not in the places that I have worked. in fact, I spent a great deal of the first five years of my career, wanting to pursue bigger and higher up the ladder roles. I applied as a clinical director at several of the places where I worked before eventually getting the job at my current organization.

Needless to say, as the former gifted child/perfectionist/on the spectrum/every other buzz words you can think of for someone with a spicy brain… I got intertwined with my role and the facility where I work. Although of course, my professional boundaries disallow me to have friendship with people in my facility, it’s impossible to not form a relationship of sorts when you are working in the same building as someone day in and day out. The therapeutic alliance is incredibly important for people to have robust treatment, but it is a fine line that I have found difficult for many clinicians to navigate. Or, put in simpler terms, sometimes people get too caught up in the job. Those are the times when people need to take a step back, re-address their needs, and move forward more mindfully and deliberately. In my case, I needed to re-address my needs in the form of my priorities, which have changed significantly within the last year or so.

First of all, I am so deeply grateful and extremely happy that I am not raising a child at the moment. Raising a dog suits me in just fine, the cats are in a nice addition on top, and that is about all I can realistically handle in my life. I’m not ashamed to say that I am a very high maintenance human, and I have enough going on without adding a small, helpless human to the mix. that continues to be a painful and harsh realization, but that doesn’t make it any less accurate, and it doesn’t make my choice any less difficult. However, I am truly enjoying my freedoms and my goal moving forward is to spend more time traveling, spending time with my loved ones, and making art…essentially doing everything I would do if I were dying soon, but without the dying soon part.

Secondly, I am in no rush to buy and maintain a piece of property right now. The market is just awful and it’s going nowhere good anytime soon. Furthermore, I love where I live, all my maintenance is taken care of, and my apartment is beautiful. I have no interest of going deeply deeply into debt to make a big change that I’m not sure I really would enjoy more than where I am.

Thirdly, I’m quite pleased with my romantic relationships at the moment and have no interest in making huge changes in that department either. I feel very secure, I get awesome attention from beautiful people, it’s very nice. So marriage and a solo relationship, also, have dropped off the priority list.

And lastly, but by no means, least, I want Time to be able to make the art… Both theater and visual… that I need to create in order to feel fulfilled in my life. I have ideas of several fun projects that really need to get fleshed out and worked on and maybe even produced in the real world instead of just my imagination. I have been neglecting this side of myself, and the rare occasions were in. I have been able to perform or be artistic in someway have been a few, but delightful and necessary. Some people find their Zen moment in exercise, some in prayer, I find it in collaborative art. Get

ting back into Improv within the last year has been so rewarding, and relationships that have gotten stronger in the improv world are ones that I just treasure. Some of the people who I play with I have known for over 20 years, so they have seen me be a lot of different versions of myself and loved me throughout. It’s a very good feeling to be around people of that nature. Also, I have done a lot of people’s projects (good and bad) and I am very curious who would be likewise engaged and interested in working with a project that I started on my own . I have a few good ideas, I’m pretty sure.

All these priorities have one person in mind, namely, me. Not to say that I am endlessly giving, and without any sort of support. But my cup has been consistently empty, often, for quite some time and change is absolutely critical. Do I like change? Not in particular, dear reader, not at all.

I have had a few panic attacks related to this change in work, more than a few actually. I cringe when I think about the actual process of moving my office from one building to another, and I’ve already started mentally packing and cleaning and sorting. For those of you who know me well, you may know that one of my stress dreams that I have on repeat is one where I have to move immediately out of my house and I have nowhere to go. I absolutely hate the process of moving. I have so many things that are so difficult to carry in the car, including a large and very wonderful plant stand wrapped in a vine that I have had for years and would really prefer to not lose on the transfer to my new location. So that’s been a stress and a concern, although it won’t help me to worry about it until closer to the end of the month.

I am also moving buildings, which means that the people I see from day today will be completely different folks than the ones I currently see five days a week, 8 to 10 hours a day. That’s a big blow to my confidence and a sad consequence of moving jobs. I absolutely love working with the people that I work with at my current location. Leaving them is definitely the hardest part of this entire situation.

By the time my birthday rolls around, I will be a month into a new job, have an entirely different schedule, and never be on call again. At least that last bit seems pretty fantastic to me.

Wish me luck, send me good wishes, I’ll even take the occasional thought and prayer.

Oh dear, another big gap between blog posts. In keeping my life moving at the pace to which I have become accustomed, my artistic endeavors have been a bit to the wayside of my thoughts. I’m luckily able to do a few shows with my improv teams, and I’ve had a few evenings where I’ve spent the timer drawing and painting. But I’ve done nearly no writing outside of documentation for work, and I’ve read even less, unless you count endless internet scrolling. In short, I’ve been missing much of the creative joys I try to keep going in my life, and I’m suffering because of it. Readers may note that every time I commit to writing more consistently, I end up doing pretty poorly, so I won’t commit again. Instead I will wish, hopefully and fervently, that writing will happen and I will feel comfy sharing it with you all. Happy Holidays or Whatever, and may the new year bring you the opportunity to make some beautiful art.

Road trips are a rare gift that I give to myself, it’s been a fortunate year for them. I’ve driven to Monroe, Utah, to the border of Utah and Arizona, to Saint George, and to Reno, and as far as California. The current trip I’m enjoying is one to Missoula, Montana, for a family wedding, and to visit family in general. It’s a beautiful drive and I’m glad I had the PTO to take a few days off.

Of course, I live in the grey between work and life, so although I’ve been fairly good about avoiding work emails and texts, I did log into Teams for the interview of a potential new therapist. I choose to give myself grace in drawing this blurry line between priorities, it feels more sustainable than a sharp division of the two. Working as the clinical director of a residential rehab, to be honest, is more a lifestyle than a job. It’s tricky to navigate, to balance, to make decisions about who I want to be and what I choose to encourage and nourish in my life. Am I devoted to my position and these people I serve? Absolutely. Has this devotion led to burnouts and meltdown in the past? For sure. However, my life is infinitely enriched by the work that I’ve chosen, and I’d be hard-pressed to find a career that suited me any better than the one I have. It’s certainly not the easiest path, but it just might be the very best.

There’s definitely drawbacks to having such an engaged and influential role in an inpatient facility, and believe me, they weigh on my heart at times. I’ve been able to negotiate the free time that I need to keep myself in line with consistent travel and plans, but it hasn’t been easy. There are times, as well, when it seems like the most ‘interesting’ days happen when it’s my turn to take point and be the boss after business hours. I have the joy/pressure of being trained and experienced in addressing trauma responses, psychosis, and the occasional (but not unheard of) suicidal thoughts, actions, and/or intent. So I am well-qualified to handle most anything the facility and clients experience and for which they need help. I appreciate and value that I have the skills and compassion to handle the potentially worst day of someone’s life, really I do, but it takes energy. Energy that is not always easy to find within myself. So there’s that.

There’s also the very nature of rehab and walking alongside clients on the road to recovery. I am witness to the memories and repercussions of so much trauma and grief. There is a fine line between being too callous and being too compassionate, and the addiction therapist must walk that tightrope or face the consequences of leaning too far either way. There are also so many, many people who relapse, and fewer (but not an insignificant number) of clients who die. It’s a difficult role to take, as a provider of care, and I’ve seen peers give up the career simply because they cannot handle the accompanying grief.

There’s also the choices you make in your conduct in daily life. Ethics are of upmost importance, and since my city is small, I will almost certainly see clients out in the community. Best practice is to acknowledge a past client only when they approach you first, and never to divulge where you know them from. The safest and most ethical thing to do is say a polite hello in response, and be courteous, and promptly go on your way. That means no friendships, no social media contact, and certainly nothing further than that. Social workers have a strict code of ethics, and strict adherence is the best way to avoid entanglements and crossing lines. Believe me, it’s astounding how many social workers cross lines. It’s just not ok.

Of course, I have the flavor of neuroses wherein the negatives of a situation often overshadow the positive (and wonderful) aspects of the career. I get to meet and help some of the most interesting, intelligent, creative, and passionate people you could ever imagine. I get to use my knowledge and skills to literally change and improve countless lives. I get to see families reunite, and those who have wandered finding their way home. I have the privilege of working with people, both coworkers and clients, whom I respect immensely. The staff is comprised of my very closest and dearest friends. I get to supervise people who actually listen to my words and respect my actions, and appreciate the little bits of wisdom I have gleaned and can share. I am rewarded on even the darkest day with a glimmer of hope. The hope can be blindingly bright, and I am a fortunate soul to be its witness and companion.

Sitting here with my coffee, alternating between intense paragraphs and breathing in the sweet summer evening, I feel fortunate to have the luxury to explore, in words, the feelings I can share about my wild and wonderful career. All things considered, I’m one of the lucky ones. Refilling my cup with this travel and visiting family was a solid choice. I cannot say that every day is fun or easy, but every day counts. It matters to someone, somewhere, that I was there for them on a particularly hard day. That is priceless.