Good morning on a pretty May day, loyal and patient readers. Let’s get this out of the way:

*General Disclaimer* I AM TERRIBLE AT REGULAR UPDATES *General Disclaimer*

Now, I have a teeny, tiny reader base. I promise you, I’ve never gotten much feedback on this project. I admit, I’m pretty sure the only readers I’ve had for the entire blog has been Mom, Godfather, and varied other family. I do not hate this! My writing on this blog is raw and rarely edited beyond basic grammar and spelling, and even then I miss things. However, this blog continues to be close and dear to my heart, and an important document to recall larger, sweeping swatches of my life. And on that note:

Welcome to my 40th year of being, my 20th year post-Ashley, and my 13th year of the blog! Can you even believe I have nearly enough focus to write this Mid-May? Hooray!

I would mention other touchstones, but the divorce and a few other traumas have dropped off the edge of importance, and I don’t feel the need to count years post-whatever bullshit happened there. (way to NOT mention it, Jady) This blog has been a lifeline, an embarrassment, a venting space, and a damn sweet few memories I’ve kept that would otherwise be lost to my bipolar brain. Thank all the gods for online journaling…there’s no way I’d have maintained a paper log for anywhere close as long. I’d have lost it long ago.

Now, and since my blog reached double digits, certainly…actually, the entire time I’ve blogged, I’ve wondered what to do with all these words, eventually. The editing process of taking these written entries and making sense of the structure seem overwhelming. I could never, ever do a chronological autobiography, because my memory is shite and I don’t recall most things in a linear way. I have considered a few options; coffee table book of poetry and art, novel about the extent to which we, indeed, are all mad here; maybe a radio play…the possibilities are endless and I really cannot choose confidently. So, being me and it being wild springtime, I’ve chosen to do an entirely different project altogether.

This summer, my goal is to make several visits up north to the family in Montana, and begin the process of interviewing Ashley’s loved ones and building a library/collection of stories about my sister. It’s been 20 years, half my life. Damn.

I’m sharing this now, because when June 3 rolls around, I have no idea what I will feel. I know, right now, I’m treading in grief to depths I’ve not reached often in my life. It hurts, my dear readers. It hurts so much. It;s entirely possible that I will be unable or unwilling to discuss my feelings…and it’s also really really important that I remember this. Is part of my ‘complicated grief’ (clinical term) that I simply forget the pain over and over each time until it boils over? Is it just the cycle I will feel endlessly? Seems needlessly cruel, Universe, and a bit excessive, if you ask me.

In any case, I’m collecting my energy and directing the extra, if ever there is, to this project. I’m planning a few trips to Montana in the next few months, and I’m working on the process of scheduling my mom’s 11 remaining siblings to meet with and share stories. Everyone, as you can imagine, is not in the same area…however, there’s quite a few in Missoula, MT, and my parents just so happen to have a home or two there as well. It’s a beautiful -place in the summer, so it will not be a chore. I will be sobbing daily, but that isn’t quite a chore either. More of something for which I have a natural flair. I’m excellent at crying. Be amazed.

So, gentle and sweet readers, if you did happen to know Ashley while she was around, I am in no way limiting myself to the aunts/uncles, they are just easier to find and endlessly delightful, so it’s a good excuse to see everyone. I’m very interested in her school life, both high school and college, and yet have no clue as to how to track people down. I hope there are a few willing folk, somewhere. Help of any sort is appreciated.

To note: improv will still happen, all summer, I don’t give up my zen time. It keeps me on the sunny side of sane.