Hello, big sis.

It’s been a while, and I’m sorry for that. The pace and intensity of my schedule doesn’t allow much time to write…well, doesn’t allow much time to be still and think of what to say to you. So let’s get the hard part of of the way: I’m still absolutely furious that you’re not here. I’ve needed you so many times and for a resolute agnostic, it’s extremely difficult to believe you are still somehow, even in some small way, involved in my life. Occasionally I’ll see a dragonfly, and then I feel an inkling of belief. Hope has never been my strong suit; but I do wish you comfort, and lack of the pain you felt in this world. I hope, if it isn’t too much to bear, that you visit sometimes. When you do, I hope you are proud of me.

Still, I’m so mad. You never met Cormac, you barely knew Dante, and that generation of my babies isn’t even alive any longer. It’s not right and it’s not fair.

Despite the secrets and the sickness, I did know you pretty damn well. We’re very much alike in so many ways. So I know you’d want to hear about the important things. Namely, the ridiculous animals with whom I share my home and heart. So here’s the latest in the world of my familiars.

1. Poe is getting so big! He’s the current littlest and yet bravest of the bunch. Oscar has a lot of energy and quite a jealous streak, but Poe refuses to cower at intimidation (or loud barks). He’s very affectionate and loves to share space in the kitchen; the boyfriend gave him the nickname T.H. (for Trip Hazard), because he’s so often underfoot. I was worried about getting a third pet of the four-legged variety, but he fits an empty spot in my heart of which I wasn’t even aware.
2. Etti is her usual aloof and lovely self. She spends quite a bit of my evenings at home watching the other two hellions from her perch on the top of the cat tree. She’s much less cuddly that Poe, much calmer than either other one, but those rare moments of affection are treasured. She’s lost a bit of her New Kitty, Extra Treat weight, most because Poe will literally shove her away from a bowl of food, but still fairly plump. I’m not one to fat shame animals, but if anyone has the potential to CHONK, it’s Etti. Right now she’s enjoying the quiet of the morning with me, cuddled up on the loveseat in the writing/crafting second bedroom. Oh! and she’s officially my ESA. She reminds me to be mindful and also to take my meds in the morning…after filling a second bowl with cat food when, inevitably, Poe steals her first one.
3. Oh god…Oscar. As you may have seen, Oscar grew up with big brother Dante, and yet has absolutely no chill with the new kitties. He’s jealous and protective and a bit of a pill sometimes. I’ve been taking him out more often and there’s a teeny few people he’ll actually greet. When he does, he’s a slave to pettings and a master of getting treats. He’ll still worry about my perimeter and woe betide the man who tries to touch me without permission…but he’s learning, slowly, to trust a few good friends. I’m pretty proud of that. The generation of covid babies growing up right now aren’t the most outgoing. Still…he’s my favorite. Don’t tell the others.
4. The fish, the snail, and the crabs are fine. Yes, I collect animals. It’s a thing. You can relate to that.

I’ll try to write more often. It’s not the easiest thing to do. Maybe it’s a pointless exercise in wishful, magical thinking. But, who could ever know? I assume I’ll find out eventually. Until then, I remain your loving little sister. I’ll always hope you have a way of reading or hearing this. Always.