I got my IUD removed today, and I’m not handling it great.

BECAUSE:

1. The original plan. The plan was, more or less shortened for the sake of brevity, to get my IUD removed and start trying to have a baby. With my former husband. Back when I was in love and I thought he’d be a good father. A few things: No he wouldn’t. No, that was a bad plan to begin with. 2 years ago, we were amping up for my birthday, graduation, and apparently a separation and divorce. Now, none of that, no matter how logically a very bad idea, makes me feel any better about NOT having a kiddo of my own. We could unpack that all day. Let’s move on.
2. The actual removal. It hurts. it hurts in your very core, and the pain was so great that I simply couldn’t handle getting a new IUD inserted. I’m pretty stoic as well as not a wimp, but damn, that “little pinch” was terrible.
3. So I’m on the pill now (progesterone only, since I smoke sometimes and it’s safer) and that scares me, because it’s a whole new ingredient in my pill buffet. I don’t know if I’ll have a period at all, since that really varies person to person. I’m not looking forward to finding out what happens when I switch up my birth control. It could be bad.
4. Did I mention that I wanted a baby?
5. I took the day off because crying in front of clients and coworkers doesn’t seem particularly fun for me. That’s always stressful. I have so much work to do, always, and I feel awful when I don’t perform.

Well, it’s done, and I’m feeling ok physically, and awful mentally. I hurt. I am grieving.

On top of everything, the shitty icing on a crap cake, is that memories are surfacing about the sexual side of the abuse. Things that seemed impossible to avoid? turns out that coercion is a form of abuse. It’s been two years and I’m just now realizing that things that happened were not ok. I won’t go into details because triggering my readers isn’t cool. But suffice to say, laying on my back expecting pain is something I’m familiar with, and something that sucks, and a big reason why I haven’t gone to the OB/GYN for a long long while. It doesn’t feel good. It’s scary. it’s a trauma response.

So how am I coping? Well, I took a muscle relaxer to make my uterus a little less uncomfortable. Also, I took the day off. I asked for domestic abuse support group info at my clinic before I left. (I was crying a lot and they were happy to offer some help)

Furthermore, I’m writing about my experience, and sharing with you all. Sometimes that helps, sometimes it just makes me anxious about who reads this. However, I keep it public, because I’m not ashamed and maybe someone else is where I am, or has been there, and maybe they feel a connection with my story, and maybe it helps.

that’s where I’m at. Thanks for making it to the end, loyal reader. Love to you and hoping this does some good.