I’m pretty hard on my brain. Sure, she is an unruly brat sometimes, and we fight a whole bunch. That shouldn’t imply we’re not in this struggle together. There are even times when she makes a damn good point, and that’s the trickiest part. I had therapy yesterday, and it was the sort of session where you end up thinking about it most of the day afterward. We talked about my backstory with my departed sister, and how even now, nearing on 16 years after the fact, I’m still reeling. Not all the time, but sometimes. Right now, I’m feeling fairly raw, and I’m glad I have the day to myself.

It’s a chilly day, there’s not much sun, although it peeks through the clouds curiously from time to time. I have they day off for the holiday, and I was planning on driving over to visit the mom (currently in town) and perhaps stop for a skinny latte on the way. What’s that you say? my car battery died overnight thanks to a teeny interior light? and now it won’t charge? Cue the call to my shop, and to AAA, to coordinate a tow and new battery installation. Thankfully, my shop is a mere block from my apartment, and I can get there fairly easier, and perhaps this won’t take all day.

Now, you may assume, using that silly logic of yours, that an event like this would make me feel stressed and frustrated and possibly trigger anxiety. However, nothing gives me anxiety quite like doing absolutely nothing. Something beats nothing the vast majority of the time. Taking on the task of getting my car fixed did not feel stressful at all. It was a chore, and I do chores well. I didn’t feel awful, the way I do when there’s utterly nothing to be done to improve the situation. Keep in my mind, my privilege is showing, because I don’t have to worry about the cost involved, relatively speaking. I can afford a new battery, I can afford a AAA membership. Hell, I can afford the effort and exertion of walking myself to the auto shop, talking with strangers, arranging the whole thing….that’s not something everyone could do easily.

I value and appreciate my mom and R for making certain I was ok. I especially appreciate R for driving over and attempting to jump a dead battery, even (especially) though it didn’t work. Having friends and loved ones in the city makes me feel so much support. But I could have done this completely on my own and done just fine. Despite my dear brain trying to convince me otherwise. She’s a stinker, no?

So Brain and I are on weird terms. I feed her knowledge and social interaction, and yet she’s nigh feral when she’s bored and lonesome. She doesn’t want to settle down. Now, I know enough about handling animals to know that forcing them to do something never works if you’re trying to TRAIN them to do that same thing, again, on purpose. In fact, force them too much and they’ll be actively afraid of whatever that thing was to begin with. When my puppy bites, and he can be nippy when excited, I don’t force his mouth closed, I don’t yell (much), and I certainly don’t punish. Instead, I reach for the next accessible treat or toy, I entice him with it, and I change his focus. He can bite toys all he wants. He can chew anything I give him to his heart’s content. Given the option, he’d much rather chew a toy over a hand anyway.

Therefore, using that silly damn logic again, I have to have toys and treats for Brain. Books used to work out pretty well, before the masters program and return to school made me wary of overanalyzing rather than reading for pleasure…(That’s a whole thing I can unpack another day). Crafts seem to work well, as long as they’re complex and detailed enough to stimulate my grey matter. People, dear reader, people are the ultimate Brain treat. I love people and so does my brain, it’s an excellent fit…hard to have someone on hand as easily as a treat, but very, very helpful.

Ironically, I think I have better friendships than I did before 2020 rocked all our collective socks off. I talk to my closest friends more than I did when the world was chaotic freedom. I spend more time having in depth conversations than ever I did before, even without the nightly roaming online that marked 2019 (the Divorce Year). My friends, my family, are allowing me to cope marvelously. I’m not out of the woods yet when it comes to winter depression, that’s a big beast to slay, but I don’t feel as if the world will simply not move on. I feel good. I feel hopeful. I feel sustainable.

I’ve also been working out about 3 times a week, which makes a difference despite my Brain’s constant whining before class. I’m doing Muay Thai kickboxing, which isn’t too handsy (love that). It’s a good workout and I’m learning how to do the moves without terrible much trouble, although I’m very bad at keeping my gloves protecting my face. I haven’t gone to sparring class because I’m not at the level of trying that out just yet. I’m getting better, but not ready to have my face kicked. Gloves up. Gloves up, dammit. It’s an hour long class, which I can handle, but I’m always nice and tired after. Brain enjoys the break, too.

This post is all over the place, I admit. Hoping it was at least interesting to read. Happy holiday, loyal reader!