I’m pretty sure my computer is dying. It’s a macbook pro from 2012, and I believe it’s getting pretty close to the end. I’m sorry to see it in this condition; I’m going to have to harvest my entire file collection soon, and move forward with using my tablet and keyboard until a new laptop happens.

It’s funny how these things evoke an emotional reaction from us humans. Sure, this computer has seen me through the entirety of my marriage, moved with me from Oakland to salt lake city, and houses my writing for over a decade. But it;s a tool, and this tool no longer works in a way that makes it functional. So its time to move on. I will miss the comfort of using a mac with my apple phone, they’re just so darn useful together. But I’m not exactly in a position to buy a new one at their prices, so here I am typing on my Asus tablet (thank you for this little PC, dad). I’m sure there’s going to be tears shed about retiring ol’ macbook. I will miss the sticker collection, too. But I have a regularly updating cloud drive, so i won’t lose anything…I hope.

In any case, I’m writing today as it’s a significant anniversary for me….both the day my divorce was legal, and the day I met the current guy I spend time with. It’s not often that meeting someone at your divorce party turns out so well, frankly. I mean, I’ve only done the divorcee thing once, so maybe it does go well, statistically. who even knows.

So it’s been a year, and I am pretty much better off in every arena of my life. I have a job that I enjoy and actually has career potential without burning me out over and over. I have a new puppy that might even turn into a good dog (the jury is still out on that one). I have a shiny and delightful apartment that I can afford to pay for all on my own. My friends have been excellent support, loyal and loving. My family and I have a better relationship than when I was with the shitbag, because I’m not having poison about them poured in my ear from someone I used to love.

This all makes me feel very lucky, especially considering how poorly the year has gone for so many of my loved ones. it’s almost taboo to discuss one’s life going well in the Year from Hell. 2020 has been an extraordinary journey, and I only wish it wasn’t such a shitshow for people I care about.

How do you celebrate a divorciversary and an anniversary in one weekend? I had drinks with a few friends online on friday, and I’m setting up the day today to have anniversary fun…it was really a matter of chosing which I liked better, and investing in the future rather than lingering in the past. Yes, I know that I discuss my divorce all this time on this blog, but it really doesn’t occupy my thoughts as often as you’d think…it’s just always something that makes me passionately want to write, since this blog is supposed to be a reminder of my life for Future Jady, and I think it’s important to remember these feelings.

When you’re gaslit for years, you start to doubt your own sanity, as I did for a long time. You start to think that maybe you made it up, maybe the conflict was your fault. You don’t know exactly how to trust yourself, since someone told you for years that you couldn’t handle big things. It’s still an issue with the guy I’m dating, trust and boundaries that may be a bit hard to navigate. I find myself doubting kindness, because in my marriage, good things always had massive strings attached. I really appreciate this guy for being willing to keep going with the nice and thoughtful things he does, despite my occasional ‘ok, buddy, what’s in it for you?’

Even if I wasn’t dating right now, I believe my life would still be significantly better and I would feel confidence and self-love that wasn’t here a year ago. It’s nice to have a person who really, really likes you, but it’s far more important to really, really like yourself. I could go into the dynamics of liking who you are as a woman in society, and how easy it is to fall into old behaviors of self doubt and criticism, but I’m kind of over expecting myself to be my own worst critic. Perfectionist basically guarantees that you’ll never enjoy accomplishments. You are always looking one step ahead to the next thing you might fail. You don’t love who you are that way. It’s a hard path, and I chose not to take it.

I find myself appreciating making choices in a way I never could have in the old toxic relationship. I decorated the apartment exactly how I wanted to, and if people don’t like it, well they don’t live here. It’s nice to make big decisions and not feel bad about them immediately because you’re too dumb to make good ones. If I may reiterate, I spent years with my primary source of confidence telling me I was unable to take care of myself. But I can, and I do. I don’t feel stabbing guilt when I choose to do something I like, because there’s no longer someone in my life telling me I’m making a stupid call.

The most precious thing that I’ve cultivated this year is my friendships, with family and friends, and perhaps that’s why I don’t feel impending doom in my heart every time I have a moment to think. I feel loved and appreciated. I value who I am and I like where I find myself. It’s nice. it’s more than nice, it’s wonderful.

Well, if I don’t blog before the holiday, which at my rate of writing is very likely, enjoy the days off from work and connect with your kin. I cant stress enough how much other people in my life have helped me heal. My gratitude is at once overwhelming and rejuvenating. The more time I spend with people who truly care for me, the more I can put into the world, the more I have to give. I guess what I’m saying is I’m very thankful and I love you, so much.

This week I work on monday and tuesday, I have wednesday through friday off, and i’m going to have a small dinner with a select few on thanksgiving. I’ve also booked a night at the Homestead resort in Midway, Utah, home of a natural crater hot springs, for the day following Thanksgiving. Oscar will be having a sleepover at the dog park that night, and I am only a bit worried that he’ll be lonesome…he loves the doggy daycare, so I imagine he’ll have a blast, but it’s the first overnight he’s spent there.

OH, and Oscar is getting neutered in less than a month! Perhaps his crazy brain will calm down a bit. I love the pup but he’s somewhat crazy nowadays. Puppies, am I right?