On March 16th, I opted to work from home for the following two weeks, and then the world went mad and I’m definitely not going to be going back to the office tomorrow, as originally planned. Been stressed, been very lucky to maintain a job. Been busy.

I’m not going to talk work at the moment, however, but rather the social distancing that directly relates to the job of being an outpatient therapist. I’ve socialized in person with about 4 people, including my parents, for the last two weeks. I’m healthy or at the very least asymptomatic, virus-wise. It turns out that working from home is not a dream come true, and I miss people. Lots of people. Crowds and hugs and going out. I miss all that. Wouldn’t it just take the end of the world to realize you’re a prosocial extrovert. I’m drained and restless, and I want to go to the office tomorrow like normal, but I can’t. This entire debacle has been exhausting.

However, with everything going on, and with springtime happening, I’ve had a very hard time sleeping. It’s fine for work, since I clock in around 11am and out around 9pm, but I’ve been staying up without tiring until well after midnight, and waking without fail around 8 or 8:30 in the morning, which isn’t ideal. Nothing will drive you crazier faster than not getting your sleep. There’s a reason it’s a very effective form of torture.

The totally selfish silver lining is that I’m not alone, online at least. There’s a lot of people stirring at almost any hour, including a large portion of my friends either unemployed, working from home and struggling with sleep schedules (like me), or ‘essential’ and thus being run into the ground. Stress is high. Burnout is happening. It’s not over yet.

Still, I’ve been fortunate to rekindle some older friendships and work on some newer ones. Good conversations, even a hug or two. Loads of chatting online. Video calls and, if you can believe it, actual, old-timey phone calls. Pure audio. (In fact, I’m calling each client in my caseload every workday, so no shortage of that modality.)

The sleep thing is getting to me, though. Now is not the time to be insensitive to my mental health….but I don’t even set an alarm at this point, I just wake up early. Bright as a daisy. For my loyal, over-a-year readers, this is old news, but springtime is not the easiest time for me. I wouldn’t say I’m hypomanic YET. But I can feel my brain buzzing a bit louder than it really needs to be. Little bit too perky for my liking.

I went to the doctor on the 23rd, and I’m waiting for a call back regarding my usual labs, and I’ll probably ask for a boost in meds when he calls. We had a chance to talk about alternatives to the anti-anxiety meds I take now, and he was surprisingly supportive of lowering the amount of benzodiazepines I use. I think we both low key loathe having them in my system at all. So we’re discussing other ideas to work with my anxiety.

Loyal readers also know I have a therapist of my own in addition to medical management of symptoms of bipolar; she’s also working from home lately so we’ll be having a Skype chat soon. In the last year, she lowered her case load dramatically, but I made the cut into the elite few she’ll still schedule regularly. I have mixed feelings about that, but I did divorce, leave my home, adjust to living on my own income, graduate, start a career, and come to terms (ongoing process) with my former abusive relationship in the last 11 months, so I can understand her keeping me. We have a good rapport and she doesn’t take bullshit from my brain. She also knows what it’s like to be a therapist with a difficult population (if any could be considered ‘easy) and she’s a good role model for me too. Very good with establishing boundaries and yet maintaining empathy. Private practice doesn’t seem like a terrible idea in the future. Something to consider.

All things considered, I’m doing ok. I’ve always maintained this blog as honestly as possible while protecting the privacy of my family, friends, and my clients, but without naming names, I’m pretty sure a few of you could use a little extra attention these days. Whether you were already gifted with mental health ‘curiosities’, or whether this social isolation is suddenly making things crop up, I see you and I would like, if nothing else, to remind you that everything will be ok. It’s a strange and confusing world out there, but we have each other. The greatest thing you can do for your loved ones is take care of yourself, because they worry and you matter to them. I’m trying to take my own advice on this one, and I’m sharing in the hope that maybe my story helps a bit.

Writing this all down also helps me remember where I am, which is helpful too.

Finally, yes, you spotted it, I’m bored enough to dress the pup in a kerchief. So there’s that. Enjoy.