Remember when I was thinner and happier and full of hope for my life with someone I thought would love me forever? Yeah, that little whippersnapper is gone now.

Things always seem so nice for other people when you don’t get the full picture. I was thin because I lost about 70 lbs during a physically, mentally, emotionally, everything-ally crippling bout of mania, for instance. I was happy because I thought getting married meant you knew who you’d grow old with and devoted your life to them, and that was a silly, silly notion. (You grow old with yourself. A companion is nice, but if you work on them and not yourself, you’re in for a world of hurt).  I was hopeful because I believed that this person I chose was a good, red-flag-less man, and that’s the real kicker, because looking back, the flags were there and goddamn rosy.

But around, say, 7 years, 11 months, and a few days ago, I threw caution to the wind and got married. Caution wasn’t in the wind, really, caution didn’t exist, because I was in love and no-one could tell me good advice without sounding like a Big Bitter Fuddy-duddy. The worst part, by the way, of realizing you’ve made a huge tactical error in life is that–at least for me–everyone around you knew it was a debacle waiting to happen, and they didn’t even just let you do it, they supported you because the alternative was YOU being a bitch and telling them and their common sense to EFF right off. I was blinded by love. Stabbed right in the eye, more like.

This picture represents something very important to me, which is namely that no matter how good I look (to myself), I might be really unhealthy….and no matter how chubby and plain I feel I look NOW, I’m healthier being where I am, in the present, without everything I thought I had/wanted/achieved.

So how is life right now, honestly, you ask. Well, I’m working on setting up a budget, since my paychecks are getting to feel like the rule as opposed to the exception, and I’m living wholly on my own (not saying my parents haven’t helped out substantially with obtaining living quarters, giving me furniture and support and helping hiring movers, but I pay my own rent, thank you). In any case, money is coming in, which is helpful for digging myself out of the hole I made throughout graduate school with the former husband lifting nary a finger and sharing nary a dime to pay for my education. We never shared a bank account other than a CU for our wedding gift money that we spent almost entirely on the honeymoon. Or I’m pretty sure we did. kinda let him be in charge of that one. Red Flag.

Money is happening, yes, but I’m admittedly terrible at finances. I’ve lived my entire adult life paycheck to paycheck, apart from the savings I got at my last job in San Francisco, which I spend almost entirely on moving here, while being jobless for a hot minute, and suffering a few heady relapses into bipolar hell. I worked for a home healthcare company for a bit, buying stuff for the house I no longer call my home, and little by little, money trickled out of my coffers. Finally, I gathered up the gumption to go back to school, and as we all know, that’s basically inviting Debt in for tea.

I don’t blame any one person for this, but I do feel deeply enabled, and gaslit.

I’m more stable now than ever I was with the former husband, and I think that frightened him a little. You can only sit at home polishing your armor so much when the damsel’s out getting a masters degree before you feel a bit out of touch. I think he was scared that I’d find him useless, stagnant, underutilized. So he did the ‘smart’ thing and got out first. Then told me I’d be better off without him, which is a fancy way of saying, ‘I won’t fight for us. Neither should you. But it’s mainly your fault for succeeding.’

What was I talking about? Oh right, budgeting. Since I’m on my own buying a house now, I need to start saving, and lessening debt, and basically being an Adult. I also spend some time shopping redfin.com much in the way kids look at puppies in the windows of pet stores, I WANT ONE, but aware that I have chores to do to earn it. Do I eat dinner at the pub sometimes? Yeah, I do. Do I cruise amazon.com looking for treats? Sure. However, I’m disciplining myself to coffee and cream from Winco rather than a flat white at the coffee shop. I’m buying groceries that last for a while. Hell, the only reason I go to Costco is for dog and cat food, and tell me you can beat their quality/price ratio. Go on. LIE to me.

Did I mention I’m hosting 2 halloween events with friends? A Haunted Porch and a Halloween Party waaaaaay west in Stansbury Park? We’re going to craft and be hostesses and investing in friends right now feels like a big win. I’m dressing up the day of the party (this weekend), as well as Halloween itself, so I got myself a family-and-work friendly halloween costume with a tiara. I’m confident enough in looking sharp for the big day(s) that I’m not even wearing something needlessly revealing, and that’s probably a first for me since early high school. Mostly because my clients don’t need cleavage in their faces, but also because I’m not here to fucking impress you.

Wow. what a long and rambling post. I sound like a Big Bitter Fuddy-duddy. Maybe they were right all along.