Have I used this blog title before? it’s a punny joke, so probably. I suppose I could search my blog archives, but that sounds like work. Enjoy the blog title folks, it’s staying.

Anyway.

Lately I’ve found myself leaning on my disabilities, if you know what I mean. I’ve gotten bitchier and less-sense-of-humor-ish with my family and loved ones, and blamed my bad humor on the bipolar brain. I’ve been clumsy and slow with chores and blamed it on the hand. I’ve been moody and needy and a general pill and that’s not ok with me.

I have only been diagnosed bipolar for under a decade, but I was a fetal amputee, i’ve always had a weird hand. A lot of people don’t think about how that shaped my childhood. how could they? Apart from the medical commitment (I had surgery on my hand a dozen times before the age of 9), I felt different from the other kids because I was, and that’s very stressful stuff for a kid. I’m a very self-conscious person, and even though I have friends now and am outwardly outgoing, I care so damn much what people think of me. The husband tries to coach me on not giving a damn what people think, but he’s also really tall and handsome and two-handed.

(It’s my right hand. So i know immediately while someone will react well to me based on their first handshake. If they accept my flawed hand with a warm handshake, we’ll probably be cool. If they flinch, probably not so cool. If they switch to left hand, well, that’s kind of a draw.)

I probably think more about my hand than any person on the planet. I spend more of my time, however, worrying about my bipolar brain. Why? my hand is harmless. My bipolar brain, on the other (hah, wordplay) hand, is a dangerous little bitch. She can hurt people.

In the winter I get depressed, and moody and irritable, because winter.

In the summer I get manic and CRAZY, because SUMMER!

I’m pretty sick of both, but looking forward to spring.

Anyway, I’ve been letting myself get away with being a asshole because I’m bipolar. Not. Cool.

So if I’ve been terrible to you lately, i apologize, you’re awesome for still reading my blog, and I probably love you, loyal reader.